My marriage has been a sham for the past nine years.
We married 15 years ago and, at first, things were good between us. But a few years in, we realised that we’d made a mistake. Rather than end it though, we just let things drift — to the point where we shared a house but lived completely separate lives, in separate bedrooms.
I have always taken it as this meant being free to have other relationships, and assumed that he had seen it that way too as he was often away. However, it’s clear that’s not the case, because he got really angry last week when he finally realised I had been seeing someone.
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He got aggressive and started smashing up things in the house. At one point, he looked like he was going to hit me, so I ran from the house and went to stay with my sister.
When I returned the following afternoon, I found he had changed all the locks and, rather than be at work as I had hoped, he was in the house. He wouldn’t let me in to get my things and yelled at me that he was going to sell the house and keep everything.
He was still really angry, so I didn’t push the matter.
I am now locked out of the home that I helped to pay for and cannot get my personal belongings. I am angry and upset in equal measure but don’t know what to do next. Can he really do this?
JENNIFER SAYS: It’s a shame that your relationship has deteriorated so far that you couldn’t have had a conversation about this and established ground rules. Clearly, you have both taken certain things for granted and in very different ways.
If the property title deeds are in joint names, he should not be able to sell the house. Even if your name is not on the deeds, property acquired in a marriage is usually deemed marital property, so you should be entitled to a fair share of it.
As you’re married, you also have a right to live in the marital home, and locking you out might even be illegal. None of which helps remotely with the practicalities of being locked out of your own home right now, so my initial advice is to seek legal advice from a family/property law specialist — and fast.
The Law Society has a database of solicitors, or someone you know might know of one they can recommend.
You might also find it helpful to contact your local Citizens Information (citizensinformation.ie) as they will be able to help you with a number of areas of concern. If you have any joint financial assets, I suggest you take immediate steps to secure your share of these.
I recommend you also contact your local Garda station and advise them that you’ve been locked out of your marital home. They may be able to escort you back into the property to get access to your personal belongings and papers, and more importantly keep things calm while you do so.
At which point you’ll have to decide whether you feel safe enough to stay in the house until things are resolved or, if there’s any doubt, stay with your sister. The most important thing is that you feel safe – your clothes, papers etc, though important, don’t matter as much as your safety.
SHOULD WE HAVE SEPARATE BEDS?
My husband turns a lot in his sleep and ends up wrapping himself in our duvet like a cocoon. During the summer it’s not such a problem, but now that the nights are starting to get cold again it’s become a real tussle.
When I inevitably get cold in the early hours and try to pull some of the covers back, he always gets grumpy and snaps at me.
I’m not prepared to go through another winter like this and have suggested that we get separate beds. He hates the idea and says that it will wreck our marriage. But all I want is to get a good night’s sleep.
What do you think?
JENNIFER SAYS: Sleep is very important and, if it’s disrupted, separate beds can sometimes provide a solution for certain couples.
However, in this instance, if it’s simply a case of being cold, why don’t you consider separate duvets rather than separate beds?
Failing that, why not get a super-sized duvet that will give enough bed over-hang that no matter how much your hubby hogs it, you’re still covered.
There’s nothing wrong here that can’t be fixed with a bit of lateral thinking. It certainly shouldn’t be the cause of a marital break up!
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