Below Deck Sailing Yacht season 5 is dreadfully boring, alas

Below Deck Sailing Yacht season five is on its fifth episode, which opened and ended with the crew partying and drinking, and in between, absolutely nothing happened.

It was almost like this episode was a dream, but usually in dreams wacky things happen. Here, we’re in purgatory with Danni’s desperation and Davide’s dangling balls.

Below Deck traditionally delivers light drama and entertainment from:

1. obnoxious guests,
2. incompetent crew members,
3. and crew relationships.

There are just faint glimmers of the second and third, but Below Deck Sailing Yacht feels like it has its sails up and there’s just no wind.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht season 5’s crew waits for something to happen, like we’re doing

Having tattled on her girls to Emma, Daisy said, “Here we fucking go!”, probably assuming Emma would create some drama. But no. “Why are we mad?” Diana asked. Danni said, “There’s no one against you.”

So everyone went back to the boat, drunk, after Keith bought KFC, which Gary ate like he was a drunken asshole, because he is. He was so drunk he couldn’t get in his bunk, and later fell into his closet, naked.

Davide asked Glenn to join the drunks in the jacuzzi, and Glenn said, “100 percent not.” That’s why he’s the captain.

Upstairs, Danni mounted Keith on a lounger.”I shy away when people come in really hot,” he told her. Danni said, “I come on hot all the time,” which is accurate, as long as we’re talking about a thousand suns hot, not microwave hot. Danni clearly forgot what she’d said minutes earlier in the van: “I will never make the first move because I know better.” LOL sure, Jan.

Naked Davide and his blurred balls crawled into his bunk above Glenn, and then he rolled off and fell onto Glenn. The next morning, Davide blamed “who designed that bed.” I think it’s whoever designed that alcohol.

Time for the third charter, and it’s just one night for Tiffany Moon, of The Real Housewives of Dallas, because I guess Bravo doesn’t pay new-ish Housewives enough to afford more than one night of product integration.

At the preference sheet meeting, Glenn said they need to be at the top of their game, and “that means no swimming this charter. Okay, Cloyce?” Cloyce just grynned.

Upstairs, Emma was doing work, and Gary told her, “rolling towels, don’t worry about that,” and then complained that “Emma’s work ethic is not all there,” criticizing her lack of “motivation” and “drive.” She was fucking doing something, bro.

Then Gary said he could “lead by example,” and I laughed so hard I coughed up my spleen.

The guests arrived as Diana, I think, said “they’re walking way too fast,” and we saw them walking in slow motion. I’m guessing this was the editors amusing themselves because they, too, were struggling not to fall asleep.

They also gave us a fun edit when Glenn left Davide at the wheel. Davide said, “Fantastic,” in a hesitant way, and then the camera zoomed out to reveal a guest, Joyce, sitting right there, and asking him, “Are you new to this?”

During the tour of the boat, Tiffany said, “we’re orgy people.” Don’t tease us with something that might actually happen this season!

When sailing began, Danni stood in front of the cabinet door that flung open last time. I Know this boat is falling apart but can they not get a lock between charters? An eggplant rolled down Cloyce’s work area; even the emoji aren’t locked down on that boat.

Danni had some fun with it, sliding across the floor and into the bar.

Glenn said they needed to shift tacks, because of wind or something, and asked, “Why are we slow on this tack?” Cut to Emma sitting, holding a rope like it was a piece of licorice she was contemplating eating later. “I can’t bring any more out,” she said.

Emma, hard at work, on Below Deck Sailing Yacht season 5

So Glenn sent Gary to help Emma, and Gary used all of his man muscles to make the rope move, which Emma recapped this way: “Gary comes down on his fucking white horse, his cape flying in the wind. And of course, maybe I’m doing it wrong, maybe I’m just poor little weak girl, and I can’t do it, and the boys are better me than me, obviously, and I’m just fucking inept.”

The guests did a photo shoot on the shore while Danni flirted with Keith; he said the sun was “that’s beautiful” and she said, “like you.” So hot, Danni, coming in so hot.

Danni told us “it feels like we are dating in, like, a Victorian era.” No, more like a fantasy era because you are not dating! She then said Keith wears a “chastity belt” while working, because I guess he doesn’t whip it out and try to stick it in while guests are around? What does she want here?

The guests asked for Japanese cuisine, and luckily Cloyce admitted “I am not an experienced Japanese chef” but explained that he did have lots of training: “sophomore year of high school, when we studied world cuisine, that honed/boned my craft in the Asian cuisine department. But that was a while ago.”

Cloyce is clearly trying to compete with Jono’s architecture school for Least Prepared Below Deck Chef of All Time.

“This will be either incredibly chill or this will be the worst thing I’ve ever done,” he said.

Diana made an espresso martini for a guest named J Mo, and you just know someone who calls themselves J Mo is going to be a pain in the ass. “It’s missing one bean,” he said. That’s when I learned that espresso martinis are served with three coffee beans, which has a long tradition.

Diana told him, “I’m giving you decaf from now on,” and out of earshot, said, “I’m hating you guys right now.” Honestly, I’ve never expected a specific cocktail garnish, so I cannot relate to his disappointment, but also, if that’s the way it’s made, maybe just do that?

Danni made J Mo’s second cocktail, and gave him his three beans, so he jumped up and hugged her and high-fived her and Danni proposed marriage right then and squatted down to have his baby.

Emma was on overnights, and the editing suggested she slept through her shift instead of doing work. “Oh shit,” she said at 6 a.m. when waking up one hour before her shift end. “I’m pretty sure I’ve gone around the whole boat,” she told Keith. Keith was horrified that the deck was still wet, which, okay? It seems like the complaint was she washed it too late for it to dry, which is a problem, but not like she didn’t do it.

Keith told on her to Gary, and then in an interview, said, and I quote, “She’s not getting the whole boat shmick and schmam.” And you are not getting the words right, so we’re all failing here.

The editors were so desperate for footage that we had Cloyce cracking his own back on the floor, and then asking Davide to crack his back, and then Davide saying he learned how to do that on a previous boat, where he had a weird captain who walked on his crew, I guess literally. Anyway, Davide said, “I didn’t try on Cloyce because I didn’t want to kill him.”

The guests woke up and packed because this trip was shorter than the plane ride from Ibiza back to Dallas. To amuse myself, I searched flights, picked some random dates, and the shortest return trip from Ibiza to Dallas had one stop and was 18 hours and 30 minutes. So basically, the length of their charter.

“Another good one. We’re on a roll,” Glenn said. Yeah, it’s pretty easy when guests aren’t even on board long enough to have a bowel movement.

Glenn thanked the deck team for not killing the guests in the tender, and Cloyce for making food. The tip: $25,000. For one day! And literally nothing special!

Then the crew went back out. Emma complained to Daisy that “I feel like I’m becoming a hinderance”; Daisy told her to not let it “eat at you,” which strikes me as useful advice along the lines of just stop being depressed!

Emma got physically ill, saying, “I need water, I feel really faint” and then went out for fresh air, “shaky,” and “sweaty and hot.” But she just went back to the boat.

Danni whined about flirting with Keith, they drunkenly danced in an empty bar, and the editors cut back to Glenn watching sports on TV with obviously fake audio.

Glenn watches TV in bed, and probably not Below Deck Sailing Yacht or he’d be asleep by now

On the drive back, class act Gary told Danni, “Shut your bitch face, beautiful brains,” he told Danni, and she grabbed his neck and started choking him. Finally! Some pay off. “Ooh, I like it,” he said. Me too, keep going, Danni, and don’t stop until he’s off this show.

Danni told us, “I’ve been deprived of attention,” and I’m surprised the world’s TV stations didn’t stop to alert us of that breaking news. “Gary seems to be giving me the attention and the banter that I need,” she said. So they jumped into the water, and then started making out.

That’s when I started dry heaving, and I think I’m done recapping this season for now. Even the preview for next episode was boring: Cloyce making a plain Caesar salad, saying something cocky, Keith and Danni drama, zzzzz.

I’ll probably keep watching, and maybe check in later in the season once or twice, and hope that Below Deck: Sailing Yacht can recover, or at least just hurry up and be done so we can be on to the next ship.