Expert picks the internet's most popular pieces of advice to follow - and the ones to avoid

Somebody has to say it. Elements of the self-care and self-help sphere receive too much unwarranted hate.

Now, I'm not talking about the skincare regimes, sleep advice, dopamenus or other mindful practices, I'm predominantly talking about the positive affirmations, the TikTok therapist 'self-help talk' side of the coin.

Admittedly, some of the books and content (including the philosophically quoted shots of AI-generated waterfalls) go slightly overboard on the cheese – but the little nuggets of upbeat advice and quotes are seemingly innocent, right?

This type of content is nothing new. It's simply made it mainstream at the hands of social media, with book snobs finally growing tired of complaining on Twitter about what strangers on the internet read in their spare time. It's not going anywhere anytime soon either – and if that disgruntles you, we highly recommend The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson, a counterintuitive approach to living a good life and a guide to stop the judgement.

While many of the internet's witty criticisms of positive affirmations are often tongue-in-cheek, the rapid rise in searches for uplifting guidance highlights the value of happiness and a sense of belonging in a stressful, fast-paced society.

With private therapy being costly and the NHS often hit with months-long waiting lists, people are turning to the internet for free advice – even if that does mean leaning on armchair therapists for life advice (which should always be taken with a pinch of salt). And, there's not really anything funny about that.

That said, there is a slight self-care paradox when taking guidance from people on the internet – and there's an entire forum dedicated to it.

Over on Reddit, people have been posting widely-shared pieces of advice they personally find questionable, and at times, counterproductive. Indy100 asked behavioural scientist and relationship expert Clarissa Silva to break them down to discover whether they're as innocent as they're made out to be.

Being brutally honest

Redditor: It's not really advice, but it's popular for people to label themselves as “brutally honest”. Honesty is good but beware of people who are more interested in the brutality than the honesty.

Clarissa acknowledges the importance of speaking your truth, but the most important thing is the delivery.

"Oftentimes 'brutally honest people' are emotionally needy people that need you to fill the gap of what they are lacking themselves," she explains. "While they are not trying to gaslight or offend you, making them aware that they need to pause and think before they unload the truth by considering how the other person might feel."

Toxic diet culture disguised as self-care

With the rise of wellness gurus taking over social media, there appears to be a blurred line within some of the content. Some are arguing it's causing more harm than good.

In a clip shared by a popular TikToker, she said: "I'm more obsessed with how I look than the food I eat."

She went on to express that food isn't her only joy in life, and that she gets more joy from "looking lean".

The video was later reposted to X/Twitter, with one hitting back: "Guys they’re reinventing 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' using TikTok therapy/self-help speak, it's actually so over."

Many more agreed with the criticism, with one responding: "The skinniness as a signifier of health, wealth and virtue is sooooo back. Goes hand-in-hand with the aestheticization of everything and our particularly proto-fascist moment in culture and politics."

Meanwhile, one jumped to her defence, writing: "People are really upset about this? This is literally just a normal person talking about self-control and not letting food addiction destroy your body."

Clarissa describes the movement as a "hyper-focus on vanity validation".

"This 'living for likes' creates an obsession with the need to feel validated which can result in discounting yourself. Your worldview shouldn’t be about body shaming in any direction or dictated by someone else’s highlight reels. Focus on what makes you healthy and create your lifestyle around that," she explains.

Children and self-care beauty regimes

Redditor: Letting your children do a beauty regime. 9-year-olds do not need to exfoliate, use night cream and day serum, and beg their mommy to spend $50 on special face potions and silk pillowcases.

Children as young as eight have been turning to luxury skincare products in recent months, something theBritish Association for Dermatologists has warned against as some of the products contain harmful ingredients intended for adults, such as exfoliating acids.

"[A lot of] these are anti-ageing products," paediatric dermatologist Dr Tess McPherson told the BBC. "They may be suitable for older skin - they are not suitable for children."

"For a child with eczema or sensitive skin, they could cause significant problems. And a lot of them will be highly fragrant and they could get contact allergies to some of those products," she added.

Clarissa tells Indy100 that skincare routines for youngsters should be a researched and informed decision, instead of "blindly accepting information online", which can oftentimes not be true.

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Being selfish

Redditor: Radical selfishness to the point that you don't think you should ever have to compromise, sacrifice, be inconvenienced by, or have an imperfect interaction with someone.

In response, Clarissa shares: "Healthy selfishness is a balance between prioritising self and self-preservation rather than self-absorption. Being acutely aware of emotions and triggers can empower you to not escalate or put you in arrested development or send you down a negative spiral."

Hustle culture and depression

If you're going to take self-care advice from anyone, let it not be Donald Trump. In the lead-up to the US presidential election, the now-president-elect said: "You know, the best way to stop depression? Work your a** off. You don't have time. You want to work so hard that you don't have time for depression."

In response to this specific comment, Michigan State University's Andrea K. Wittenborn, Ph.D. said: "This misconception about depression can be harmful because it sends a message that people suffering from depression simply need to work harder to relieve their symptoms."

Clarissa adds that once people dedicate their lives to the grind, they begin to "function in a scarcity mode".

"Entrepreneurial life is about adapting so that you can innovate, execute, be productive, and troubleshoot through the aspects that can seem challenging," she says. "Taking micro-breaks from the compelling grind mode can provide stress relief, aid in recovery, boost productivity and allow you to see a more global picture."

Self-care needs to be costly

Redditor: Insisting that self-care needs to be solitary and cost money. For most people, the self-care they need is quality time with friends, family, and community, not buying some c*** to put on your face while you're alone in the tub. Don't get me wrong, I'm an introvert, and alone time keeps me sane, but I don't know if I've ever seen people celebrate 'self-care' as being social.

"Personality creates bias. Introverts, extroverts, and ambiverts all need different things to create homeostasis and harmony," Clarissa explains. "Being aware of what creates harmony for you is critical for your overall care. Gauge life desires by asking about what makes you happy rather than criticizing what other personality types need based on their social media channels.

"Most are sharing their highlight reels!"

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Only doing things in life that spark joy

Redditor: Only doing things that feel good or spark joy. Sometimes, for your long-term health and future, you must do things that aren't super duper fun.

Clarissa describes happiness as "both a state of being and a condition you can create," adding that "your thoughts, behaviours, and actions determine 40 per cent of your happiness."

She went on to suggest that just 10 per cent of happiness is "determined by circumstances you deal with in life," and how you react to them is what creates happiness.

"Your emotional default mode can be positive or negative, but that determines your outlook and how you’ll react to your life circumstances," Clarissa adds.

Steering clear of confrontation

Redditor: Avoiding difficult conversations in the name of positive vibes.

By avoiding difficult conversations, you are "ill-preparing your future circumstances in your life, unexpected shifts in life, personal growth, or a new reality."

Clarissa says it won't allow people to learn how to regulate emotions or express feelings properly, which can sometimes "lead you to shut down during times of heightened emotions".

"You can learn ways to extricate yourself from the conversation before you feel anxious or angry. Being able to predict not prescribe your reactions, helps you cope better with life’s outcomes," she adds.

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For anyone struggling with mental health, Shout is the UK's first and only 24/7 text service for anyone in crisis. Get free, confidential mental health support anytime, anywhere. To start a conversation, text the word 'Shout' to 85258. Trained Shout Volunteers will listen at any time of day or night and messages won't appear on your phone bill.

Mental health charity Mind also offers a free support line on 0300 102 1234.

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