Tulisa Contostavlos has been candid about a heartbreaking health battle that saw her mum experience some "pretty scary" symptoms.
In her 2012 autobiography, 'Honest: My Story So Far', the N-Dubz rapper explained how her early memories "are not happy ones", as her mum's illness "overshadowed" her childhood.
The I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! star's mum suffered from schizoaffective disorder, a mental health condition that features both psychosis and mood symptoms, according to Mind.
It says some have suggested that schizoaffective disorder falls in the centre of a spectrum, with schizophrenia on one side and bipolar disorder on the other, but features symptoms from both conditions.
Tulisa said the combination of these symptoms is "pretty scary", and explained how the condition impacted both her mum's life, and her own. She wrote: "It's a sad thing to say but most of my earliest childhood memories are not happy ones.
"It wasn't that my parents didn't love me, but my mum's illness - which started before I was born but got worse when I was a baby - completely overshadowed my childhood.
"Mum has schizoaffective disorder - a cross between schizophrenia and bipolar disorder - and the symptoms of these two conditions combined are pretty scary. They include manic depression, hallucinations, mood swings and paranoia."
Her mum's condition first presented when she was in her early twenties, with Tulisa's aunts telling her that it was both "upsetting and frightening" to see.
The singer said that at times, her mum would look "unnaturally withdrawn" and thin, with other periods where she would be "racing about manically", yet remaining "blank and emotionless".
It wouldn't be until she was about four or five that Tulisa saw how her mum's illness had impacted her, with the performer saying she "just knew something was wrong", despite her young age.
Tulisa also detailed how she was a "pretty weird" child, a "bit of a loner" with a Wednesday Addams "vibe", often choosing to sit in a corner and keep to herself.
She said: "Nothing ever seemed to affect or faze me, and I was often a bit numb to what was going on around me, which, looking back, was probably a good thing."
The 'Playing With Fire' hitmaker also wrote about a heartbreaking moment that she experienced while visiting her mum in the hospital, which saw Tulisa wanting to run and hug her mum, but feeling like something was "stopping" her.
She said it wasn't her "mummy" at all and described her as "like a child version" with no strength or "security being near her", which led to a devastating realisation.
Tulisa explained that she knew that her mum "wasn't able" to care for her while she was in this condition and that feeling has stayed with her "ever since".
If you are experiencing feelings of distress, or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch.
English (US) ·