The internet has rallied behind a man for refusing to pay for his wife's surgery after she secretly loaned her friend money for a breast augmentation.
The Redditor u/buchsayaa_ shared the dilemma in the subreddit AITAH [Am I The A*****], where it garnered 15,000 upvotes. The 34-year-old man explained that he and his wife of seven years had been saving for a home renovation, but he discovered a month prior that his wife had secretly loaned $10,000 to her best friend.
He asked the internet to weigh in on whether he was in the right; many commenters sided with him. Newsweek spoke to two experts who had more nuanced views on the dilemma, but ultimately agreed that the poster's wife had betrayed his trust initially, which explains his reaction.
"I was furious but let it slide because the money was technically still in the family account, and I figured we'd rebuild.
"Fast forward to last week, my wife had a medical issue requiring immediate surgery. It wasn't life-threatening, but the doctor said it needed to be addressed quickly. When the bill came, she assumed we'd pay out of our savings, but I told her I wasn't using the rest of the account for this since she had already decided what that money was for," he wrote in the Reddit thread.
The husband suggested her friend should help with the bill, and the wife retaliated by calling him heartless and petty.
Her family is angry and has accused the husband of prioritizing the home renovation over his wife's health, he wrote.
"I told them they're free to pitch in, but I'm standing my ground. She's staying with her mom now, and I'm starting to question if I'm being cruel here.
"Like AITAH?," he wrote.
Expert Opinions
Dr. Carole Lieberman, a psychiatrist, told Newsweek: "The problem is that your wife betrayed your trust by 'secretly' loaning her friend money for a 'boob job.' Also, this expenditure seems trivial compared to your wife's sudden need for surgery to fix a medical problem."
She suggested a straightforward solution: "The obvious solution is to get the friend to pay back the $10,000 as soon as possible. If she doesn't have the money on hand, she should get a loan or borrow it from someone else.
"This should be your trade with your wife. Tell her she can take money from your joint savings account to pay the medical bill if she promises never to take money out behind your back again, and if she proves that she's spoken to her friend and gotten her to promise to pay back the $10,000 within a reasonable amount of time (less than 3-6 months)."
Family law attorney Heather O'Connor also weighed in, noting that the main issue is broken trust.
She told Newsweek: "The wife's actions of going behind the husband's back broke trust between them and caused resentment that has not actually been addressed and is ruining their relationship.
"Although the husband said that he let the wife's actions 'slide,' he obviously was not being honest with himself and her as he is still holding on to his anger within the current situation."
O'Connor highlighted a further point: "From the fact the husband doesn't say she could not get the surgery done because of his unwillingness to pay the bill out of the joint account, it leads to the conclusion that the wife had the surgery, so her health is not in jeopardy, and the bill and the conflict came afterward. So long as that's the case, the husband's position that the wife should go after her friend for the money that was loaned to her is valid."
She concluded with advice: "If this couple is going to stay together though, they should definitely consider entering into a post-nuptial agreement that lays out the requirements for how they will make decisions on expenditures of their joint funds in the future."
Reddit Reacts
The Reddit community had mixed reactions to the dilemma, although many sided with the poster.
"NTA. Saying it was a 'gift of kindness' is ridiculous," commented one user.
"Is it a loan or a gift? Is this woman going to be paying you back that $10,000 or not?" asked another.
"NTA. Also, your marriage is over," wrote a third.
"She gave away 10k without consulting you? She might as well have robbed you. This is grounds for divorce," said another user.
Newsweek reached out to u/buchsayaa_for comment via Reddit. We could not verify the details of the case.
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