Sick of legacy media and all their dumb, annoying actual news? Boy, have we got a great alternative for you. ICYMI, our former sister site, The Onion, relaunched their totally fact-based and not at all sarcastic Onion News Network a few weeks ago, just in time to bring the people breaking coverage like “U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants” and “Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote.” For legal reasons, ONN is obviously a parody—there’s no way Kamala would only be on Trump’s official kill list once—but in light of the fact that “Why the Death of P’Nut the Squirrel Has Become a National Political Event” was a real headline Vanity Fair published yesterday, the fact that they’re able to remain as funny and absurd as ever is a real accomplishment.
Unsurprisingly, ONN has brought the heat right down to the wire. Steve Kornacki—or the proverbial dude at the “big map”—got his due yesterday with ONN‘s Jason Copeland, who delivered a zoomed in (and we mean, really zoomed in) look inside the head of one undecided voter in Millcreek Township, PA. Earlier this week, an ad about the elderly vote didn’t inspire much confidence—no matter what side you may be on—but did conjure some laughs.
If all these 2ish-minute clips aren’t enough of a distraction from the real news, you can also take an unprecedented look inside a voting booth all day with the channel’s livestream. As this is being written, Jesus is taking an extremely long time to mark his ballot. He may never leave, but past visitors have included Southpaw, the mascot of the Chicago White Sox, a child in, like, third grade, an evil, disembodied voice, a shirtless guy, and more. Now let’s all take inspiration from this true American melting pot, and go out and do our civic duty.
English (US) ·