Traitors US 3’s charms and chaos: a wonderful start to the season!

Alan Cumming rhyming an introduction to The Traitors while his face was projected on the walls of the castle, as the camera swirled around and the editors gave us flashes of the season ahead: that is how to open a season of reality TV competition, and that was before he rode in on a horse, through a grid of robed, masked people.

That was followed the sweet, delicious cherry on top of this rich ice cream sundae of an opening: “Boston” Rob Mariano sent away, a sour look on his face.

I was beyond delighted, and then Alan Cumming tapped a wonderfully chaotic and instantly iconic trio as the first traitors: Bob the Drag Queen, Big Brother legend Danielle Reyes, and Survivor 44 finalist and character Carolyn Wiger.

The cast itself—which we’ve known since early last summer—is such a brilliant mix, excluding that sweaty scuzzbucket Tom Sandoval.

And they delivered what we expected: Dorinda declaring “my first husband was Scottish,” Tony trying to dismiss his two Survivor wins by saying “me, I’m boring. I was in the jungle eating bugs.” As he told us: “people know that I’m a threat, and that’s going to be a big problem for me.”

Then there’s Bob the Drag Queen, who towers over the cast in height, fashion, and quips. He popped out of the car and started walking and Tony said, “Where you goin’, man?” And then Bob Harper introduced himself, saying “I’m obsessed with you, Bob.” Bob the Drag Queen replied, “You’re named Bob, too?” Someone call a medic for the former Biggest Loser star.

Britney and Danielle haven’t really talked or processed what happened on Big Brother Reindeer Games, considering Danielle started to cry and Britney tried to apologize: “I know I messed up. I know I did. I hurt you. And I didn’t expect that.” Danielle told us she’s “angry at myself that I believed in somebody, and I won’t do that in this game.”

Meanwhile, we learned Dylan Efron watches Survivor, and that Ayan knows that she’s the player who is out of her league. “I don’t know what’s going on. It’s a lot,” she said. “Nobody’s ever paid me for my brain.” Well, at least she’s self-aware; that’s more than most clueless players can say!

Alan Cumming revealed a major endgame twist: those banished at the final fire will not reveal whether or not they’re traitors, making it even harder for the faithful to win.

And then came the first twist in the game. He sent away his masked followers, and leaving one rather stout follower remaining. That person unmasked themselves: it was Boston Rob, baseball cap and all.

To let Rob into the game, one player had to step forward and shake his hand—and then choose another player to exile. Rob didn’t do himself any favors; he might as well have sent up a flock of drones that spelled out I’M THE REALITY TV GOAT YOU’RE ALL LOSERS.

Carolyn was telling herself, “Carolyn, go for it,” so she could exile Tony—but she’s smart and realized: “What’s worse, Boston Rob or Tony?”

No one stepped up, and Alan Cumming finally gave a countdown. “Rob, unfortunately for you it seems our players have decided to stick together,” he said.

“Girl, no. Get your ass back on a plane,” Bob the Drag Queen said. “Also, I didn’t like the hat with the shoes.” Amen!

Blindfolded Traitors US 3 players await their fate, including Danielle Reyes, Gabby Windey, Jeremy Collins, Dorinda Medley, Tom Sandoval, Chrishell Stause, and Tony Vlachos (Photo by Euan Cherry/Peacock)

As the players mingled, I was reminded how much I love Carolyn’s directness. When Tony said he didn’t want to be a traitor, she told him, “that’s a bunch of bullshit.” And she was right: Tony admitted to us “that is so far from the truth.” The best reaction may have come from Bachelor in Paradise bartender Wells: “So this is Survivor. Got it. Never going on that show.”

Outside, looking at a castle peacock, Dorinda told it, “I have one of you at Blue Stone Manor. Unfortunately, he’s stuffed.”

When asked how her time on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette went for her, Gabby said, “I’m a lesbian now.” Put that on the posters!

And then there was Alan Cumming shading Tom Sandoval. “I don’t think I would do so well as a traitor,” Tom said. Alan asked if he picked Tom anyway, “Would you feel I’ve betrayed you? Doesn’t feel so nice, does it?” Medic!

Alan selected the first three traitors:

• Danielle Reyes: “I’ve never been so happy to be so bad”
• Carolyn Wigler: “I want to jump up and down—I want to scream”
• Bob the Drag Queen: “You’re either hunted or you’re a hunter, and I am not interested in being pray.”

I screamed when each of them were tapped, and I am so thrilled for this trio.

But: I also really do wish the show would at least try to withhold the traitors’ identities from us for a while. Maybe until they meet each other? Or after the first murder? How great would it be to discover their identities alongside them?

When it was time for blindfolds to come off, Tom tore his off and stared at other players like he was picking through nachos to find one that didn’t have mold on it. Tom suspected Chrishell, telling us, “she just seems very off.” Oh, like you, Tom? “She just seems very scary,” he said. So you have something in common, is what you’re saying.

Alan Cumming talks to the players during the first Traitors US season 3 mission (Photo by Euan Cherry/Peacock)

The first mission was a strong start, thanks to the way it mixed physicality and strategy—and kept all the players together, at least at first. And the decisions players made reverberated, making the challenge matter.

The way Alan Cumming introduced it—row a viking boat around the loch, collect fuel and $40,000, and return to light a fire, with anyone inside that fire receiving a shield—seemed to leave something out. Or, like, a lot out. Of course not every player could get a shield. Or could they?

The physical challenge was a challenge; they could not row together, until Bob the Drag Queen stepped up and took control. And that wasn’t the end of his central role in the challenge.

Notes on the pontoons revealed the twist: for each stop, they had to leave two people behind in order to take the fuel or money. “I knew it was some fucking bullshit,” Bob the Drag Queen said.

His annoyance didn’t end there. This immediately flipped the selfishness twist. Eventually, four Housewives sacrificed themselves at the first two pontoons.

And then Lord Ivar Mountbatten proved that being the first royal to have a same-sex wedding doesn’t mean you’re also not a sexist prick. “One more girl!” he yelled. Considering some of the guys were rowing as if their arms were made of wet spaghetti, maybe they should have taken stock of who they actually needed to get the money back?

Bless Bob the Drag Queen for his rage. “Some guys have to get off this fucking boat,” he yelled. “We can’t keep leaving women on the fucking rafts, guys.”

He volunteered himself, and when Danielle got up to join him, he said, “No, a guy get on the fucking raft.”

The fascinating part of this, of course, is that it left two traitors on a raft together. Danielle cried, “just go just go, it’s okay it’s okay.” That was such a good act that Bob bought it, and she didn’t suspect him, either.

Meanwhile, on another raft, Dorinda told Dolores they’d be heroes, and Dolores was like, um, “no we’re targets.” Dorinda replied, “See, generosity never works!” GET OFF MY RAFT!

After dropping off Bob Harper and Sam, the boat was like, Eh, fuck the money, let’s go get immunity for ourselves. “I’d rather get a shield than get more money,” Britney said.

Tony said, “if we have two volunteers we’ll go get the money,” and there were no more volunteers. So with tons of time left, they just went back.

That means just eight players were at risk of murder, and they only got half of the money they could have. Staying in the game is important, but so is, you know, having a prize that’s worth it?

The real rub was that the players were left out on the pontoons for so long that when they got back to the castle, the dinner buffet had been so picked over some options were gone.

Bob and Danielle’s annoyance seemed to clear them of suspicion, but Dorinda’s reaction made others suspect her.

The traitors met in the turret, and I wouldn’t mind seeing 10 more minutes of that, it was so delightful—especially when Bob the Drag Queen and Danielle suddenly recontextualized their time on the raft together.

And then. Then the producers of The Traitors and/or Peacock executives decided that this iconic trio was not enough, that this cast wasn’t enough.

Rob Mariano, tied up, met Alan Cumming in the woods, and that was not the start to a film that 17 states wouldn’t let us watch.

Alan informed Rob he was entering the game as a traitor; I yelled at my TV.

The setup with Bob, Carolyn, and Danielle is so perfect, and to throw Rob in as a traitor? Ugh. It’s like they consulted with Big Brother’s producers on how to fuck up a format.

But that is episode two! For now, I will bask in episode one’s delights, like the look on Rob’s face when he was cast aside.

Next, episode two: The Traitors US 3’s first murder and that ‘Trinity of Terror’ twist