What's the Best Advice for a Newlywed Couple?

1 week ago 5

When it comes to giving advice to newlywed couples, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Every relationship is unique, shaped by the people in it and the challenges they encounter together.

Although divorce rates in the U.S. have slowly declined since the early 1980s, The American Psychological Association estimates that 41 percent of first marriages are likely to end in divorce, highlighting the challenges many couples face.

Given these statistics, understanding the keys to a lasting and fulfilling marriage is essential. Newsweek asked marriage counselors and relationship experts what advice they'd give to newly-wed couples.

Advice Newly Wed couple
Marriage experts offer one piece of advice to newlywed couples. Photo Illustration by Newsweek/Getty Images

Dr. Duana Welch: Newlyweds Should Change Their Definition of 'Happy' Couple

First off, congratulations on getting married. There's literally no other choice adults make that improves happiness more, per decades of science.

Despite a bad reputation, marriage, compared to all other ways of living, creates more happiness, better sex, more sex, more money, higher salaries, more career advancement—for women, too—greater health, less illness toward the end of life—basically, more of everything most people want, except for how good-looking you are (sorry—dad bod is here to stay!). That's true even if the marriage is meh.

I want your marriage to be "wow". To do that, act like happy couples. Happy couples don't have fewer problems, or less troubling issues, than anyone else. They don't bring up conflict less often—actually, they bring it up more!

Their superpower? Overbalancing negatives with positives—and scientists like Dr. John Gottman know the precise ratio: 20 to 1. It's like a bank where if you put $20 in, you can only take $1 out or you're flat broke. For every "You know what your problem is? (Protip: this never ends well), they've got 20 times more hand squeezes, "Your butt looks great in that" wolf whistles, "Can't wait to see you xoxox" texts, and planned date nights.

While this may sound like a lot, your account at the bank of love and trust is easily filled by taking care of your partner in the little moments—doing tiny things that make all the difference.

For example, when their mate wordlessly indicates that they want attention, happy couples engage with a positive attitude. They're curious: They ask each other questions and listen to the answer, no matter how long they've been together.

And they have built-in daily rituals—small, positive moments that bring them closer together, such as a six-second kiss when they reunite after work, or texting something sweet every day at lunch. Or they combine all of the above.

My husband and I have a ritual of attention, curiosity, and connection we do each night before bed called "Feelings & Compliments": Telling each other about our day, how we felt about it, and then giving at least three specific compliments to one another.

You'll have differences—you're not clones. But it's hard not to adore someone who treats you like the most important person in their world! Grow a great marriage: Add positives to your relationship.

Duana Welch, PhD, dating and relationship coach and author of the Love Factually books.

Lisa Marie Bobby: Newlyweds Should Take Each Other Seriously

As a marriage and family therapist who sees what happens when couples aren't intentional about their relationships from the get-go, I've come to make high-quality premarital counseling a cornerstone of my practice.

My number one most important piece of relationship advice for newly married couples is this: Take each other seriously. Be receptive to what your partner is saying about how they feel, and what they need from you.

It is very, very easy and extremely common for people to minimize or blow off their partner's feelings or perspectives, particularly if they are different from yours. This is a terrible mistake and the tiny seeds that will 100 percent grow into a massive relationship rupture five or 10 years down the road.

Every time you minimize, invalidate, or fail to be responsive, even in small ways, you are teaching your partner that you don't understand them, care about their feelings, and that you're not able to change and grow.

Over time, this results in deep mistrust, and hopelessness that change is possible. This is why people get divorced. So let it in, even if—especially if—it's uncomfortable, and make it a point to make your partner's needs, rights and feelings just as important as your own.

On the flip side of this, remember that you must communicate in an emotionally safe way that your partner can hear. If you have an aggressive, conflictual communication style this will create defensiveness, avoidance, and deflection.

Be authentic, be vulnerable, and speak from the heart, be an advocate for positive change, but do not teach your partner that you are unreasonable, emotionally unsafe, and that you don't care about their feelings in the process.

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, LP, BCC, Growing Self Counseling & Coaching Founder & CEO.

Dr. Peter Pearson: Newlyweds Should Keep a Written Copy of Their Wedding Vows

I would suggest that newlyweds keep a written copy of their wedding vows, especially if they wrote their own. Put them in a place of easy accessibility.

The first time they have a whopper of a fight, they should bring out the vows. More often than not, their vows are a roadmap for how to handle their conflict, and it will be a darn good map which will allow them to do what they promised to do.

They will be living with integrity if they do this.

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., Marriage coach to entrepreneurs, co-founder, The Couples Institute.

Dr. Denise Marigold: Newlyweds Should Choose To Show Love Despite Their Feelings

I don't think we find "the one" so much as decide to make someone "the one."

And you will need to continue to make your partner the one as you develop as individuals, as your relationship evolves, as your circumstances change, and so on.

This requires intention and practice, sharing fully of yourself and listening deeply to your partner. Deciding to show love even in times where you don't feel particularly loving.

Denise Marigold, Associate Professor of Social Development Studies at Renison University College, University of Waterloo.

Read Entire Article