Actor Jack Merrill Details Horrific Alleged Abduction, Rape By John Wayne Gacy in 1978

"I knew if I fought him, I didn't have much of a chance," Merrill said of Gacy, alleging that the serial killer picked him up in his car, "splashed some liquid on a rag and jammed it into my face," before he passed out and woke up "in handcuffs."

Jack Merrill is looking back at a traumatic and horrific encounter he alleges occurred with serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

The actor recalled his story -- in his own words -- for PEOPLE. In the piece, which was published on Wednesday, Merrill, 65, detailed how he was allegedly abducted and raped by Gacy in 1978, and ultimately escaped.

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After first recalling his upbringing in Evanston, Illinois, Merrill said he moved out of his home at 17 to an apartment in downtown Chicago. At 19, the aspiring performer was "working in clubs," and "wanted to be an actor but didn’t know how to go about that."

He said he "would go swimming" at the local YCMA, and while walking home one night post-swim, he allegedly ran into a man, who pulled over and asked him if he wanted "to go for a ride."

Merrill said he agreed, thinking they would "go around the block a few times, but he started driving quickly and turned into a really bad neighborhood."

"He said, 'Lock your door. It’s dangerous,'" I said they kept that out of the papers because it was bad for business on nearby Rush Street, and he said, 'How do you know that, huh? You’re smart. You're not like those other kids,'" Merrill recalled, adding that he had "never gotten into anyone's car before" but decided to "stick with it" since Gacy allegedly told him he was "different."

However, according to Merrill, things took a turn when Gacy "pulled over near the ramp" of the freeway, and asked if he'd ever done "poppers" -- the slang term for amyl nitrite.

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"He pulled out this brown bottle, splashed some liquid on a rag and jammed it into my face. I passed out, and when I woke up, I was in handcuffs," Merrill said. "I saw the exit for Cumberland on the expressway, near the airport, and the next thing I knew, we were outside his house."

"He told me to be quiet. A light from the back of the house hit him in the eyes and suddenly I realized how dangerous he was. I was a puny 19-year-old," he continued. "I knew I couldn’t anger him. I just had to diffuse the situation and act like everything was okay. That's the way I had survived as a kid -- we learned to lie low during my parents' rages."

Merrill claimed Gacy took him to the "dark" home, adding that he "sensed it was a trap."

"He asked if I trusted him, and I said I did, so he took off the handcuffs," Merrill said, claiming that he and Gacy drank beer and "strong pot" before Gacy "put the handcuffs back on" and "dragged [him] down the hall."

Merrill then described the alleged assault.

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"He put this homemade contraption around my neck. It had ropes and pulleys, and it went around my back and through my handcuffed hands in a way that if I struggled, I would choke," he claimed. "I did at one point and started to lose air. He stuck a gun in my mouth. Then he raped me in the bedroom. I knew if I fought him, I didn't have much of a chance. I never freaked out or yelled. I also felt sorry for him in a way, like he didn't necessarily want to be doing what he was doing, but he couldn't stop. We'd been there for hours. Finally, I could tell he was tiring. All of a sudden he said, 'I'll take you home.'"

Merrill then claimed that "around 5 in the morning," Gacy dropped him off "not far" from where he first picked him up, and allegedly gave him his phone number.

"He gave me his phone number and said, 'Maybe we'll get together again sometime,'" he said. "When I got home, I flushed the number down the toilet, then took a shower. I didn't call the police -- I didn't know he was a killer at the time. I went to the Snowflake Diner and had scrambled eggs and a chocolate milkshake. I made a pact with myself that I was going to get past this. I wasn't going to leave my happiness in that house."

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Gacy killed 33 teenage boys and young men from 1972 to 1978, before the victims were found in his home in 1978. Known as the "Killer Clown", he also performed at children's hospitals and charitable events at the time. He was executed via lethal injection in 1994.

Merrill said that a few months after he was allegedly abducted and raped by Gacy, he saw a headline about bodies having been found at a "suburban site."

"The story had a map, and there was the Cumberland exit on the Kennedy Expressway," he recalled, before saying that he then called the paper. "[I] said, 'That guy raped me.' The man who answered said, 'What did you say your name was?' I didn't say my name. I was sensitive about my name because people knew my father. That was his paper."

"I hung up the phone. I thought if the police ever needed my help, I'd come forward," he continued. "They found all these bodies under that house, and years later he was convicted. But like I said, if they had needed me, I would have come forward."

"I read that he went to prison. I'd see his picture, and he was repulsive," Merrill said. "The lurking thought has been, 'Did he stain me? Was I somehow stained?'"

Merrill said at 21, he moved to New York, realizing that he "needed a change." He created an Off-Broadway troupe, adding that "acting was therapeutic" for him.

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He said that he later joined a support group because his boyfriend had "full-blown AIDS" at the time.

"I read about Oprah doing a show about forgiveness. There was a woman who had been raped, beaten and left for dead," Merrill said. "She said if she didn’t forgive her attacker, she couldn’t get on with her life. I knew I had to do that -- to somehow forgive Gacy."

Now, many years later, Merrill said he still has to "face" his trauma from time to time, sharing that he refuses to watch violent movies.

"Our culture is obsessed with John Wayne Gacy," he said. "Years ago I was at the Haunted Hayride in Griffith Park in L.A. We turn a corner, and there’s a banner that says, 'Macy's Day Parade.' But the 'M' was crossed out and replaced with a red “G,” and there's clowns running around with axes and knives. It's that fright factor."

"People love it, but I don't find violence fun. I won't go to those movies. The idea of watching someone being tied up ... I can't. When I get scared, I never cry -- my emotions get locked," he continued. "But when good things happen in movies, when someone gets what they want, the waterworks start."

Merrill noted that he hadn't publicly opened up about his alleged assault until now -- and had previously only told "close friends." And not only is he now sharing his story publicly, but he wrote a one-man show about his life, called The Save.

"Doing my new show, I walk through it every night," he said, referring to his alleged abduction and rape. "I'm proud of the journey. I was able to learn from the bad and use it for the good. You know, I'm lucky. I've always been lucky."

The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline -- 800.656.HOPE (4673) -- provides free, 24/7 support for those in need.

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