In many households, mums (or primary caregivers) often become the ‘default parent’ – handling everything from school pickups to midnight wake-ups – while their partner takes on occasional ‘fun parent’ moments. It’s a dynamic mum-of-two Sarah recognises all too well: 'I even switched sides of the bed – thinking the kids would go to my husband first if they woke up because he was nearer the door. It didn’t work. They’d walk right past him to get to me.' Why does this cycle persist and how can families share the load more equally? The answer lies in recognising the impact of tradition, communication and proactive planning. The weight of traditional roles The tendency for one parent to ‘do it all’ often stems from ingrained gender roles. Despite huge strides in equality, many workplace policies still support a dynamic where mums are the go-to for childcare needs, while dads are expected to prioritise work. This can be an uphill battle for families trying to balance things equally, but when one person carries the mental load of managing all tasks, it creates strain and frustration. So, how do you start dismantling the cycle? The power of open communication Begin by having an honest conversation with your partner. Go beyond surface-level discussions to dig into what each parent needs and feels. Lisa, a working mum of three, highlights the importance of talking: “For the longest time, I assumed my husband knew how stressed I was. It turned out he genuinely didn’t realise how much I was juggling. After speaking up, we started making small changes.” Breaking the default parent cycle Here are some steps to share the load and create a more balanced dynamic at home: Divide and conquer Sit down with your partner and list all household and childcare tasks. Divide them based on each person’s interests and availability. When everyone plays to their strengths, sharing the load becomes far more sustainable and equal. Make communication a habit Regular check-ins are essential to staying on top of each other’s needs. Speak up if you’re feeling overwhelmed or need more support. Your partner can’t mind read, so communicate clearly and openly about what is and isn’t working. Set boundaries to protect your time You don’t have to be everything to everyone; it’s okay to say: “No”. Setting boundaries around your time and energy, without guilt, prevents burnout and allows others to step in. Lead by example for your kids Show your children that household chores and childcare are everyone’s responsibility – not just mum’s or dad’s. Get them involved in age-appropriate tasks such as setting the table or putting toys away – teaching them the value of teamwork and cooperation. Celebrate small wins Changing ingrained habits takes time. Be patient and celebrate small victories. Whether it’s your partner taking the initiative to make dinner, or your kids pitching in with laundry, these small steps are part of the journey towards a balanced, harmonious family life. Taking turns with the heavy lifting Still carrying most of the load? Initiate a weekend swap, where each parent alternates handling the bulk so the other can recharge. “On weekends, my husband takes over the heavy lifting, which gives me a break,” shares Claire, another mum. “It’s not perfect, but it gives me the chance to be 'fun mum' for the weekend.” The path to a balanced family life Breaking free from default parenting isn’t about achieving perfection but creating a family culture where everyone – parents and kids – understands the importance of teamwork and shared responsibility. It won’t happen overnight, but with persistence and honest communication, families can move towards a happier home. Ashley Costello is a psychotherapist, TEDx speaker and the author of A Parents’ Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid. Her mission is to future-proof the next generation by helping parents raise grounded, emotionally resilient children.
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