A post about a woman's decision to cancel hosting Thanksgiving after her younger sister demanded family members sign a "Family Code of Conduct" contract before the gathering has gone viral on Reddit.
Shared under the username u/ziolczykdaniel, the post has received over 25,000 views since it was shared on November 24, sparking a storm of criticism online.
The 32-year-old poster said that she has hosted Thanksgiving for her family for five years, embracing the event's "messy and chaotic" charm. This year, however, her 29-year-old sister disrupted the tradition by arriving with printed contracts outlining her vision for an improved gathering. "She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving," the poster wrote.
Was the poster's reaction too drastic or was the younger sister out of line? Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment via the Reddit messaging system.
Jeanne Cross, a licensed therapist at the EMDR Center of Denver, Colorado, told Newsweek that the poster's suggestion for her sister to host instead was "practical and appropriate," adding that the responsibility for family tensions lies with the sister for overstepping boundaries.
Etiquette expert Jo Hayes had a different take, telling Newsweek: "I applaud the younger sister in her desire to introduce a level of civility, order and decorum to the family gathering."
The viral post comes as 73 percent in the United States say family time is "one of the most important" aspects of their life, according to a Pew Research Center survey conducted with 5,073 adults in March to April 2023.
Overall, nine in 10 Americans say spending time with family is "either very important or one of the most important things to them personally, regardless of how much time they actually devote to it," the survey found.
The rules outlined in the "Family Code of Conduct" agreement in the Reddit post included bans on overlapping conversations and political topics; a "smart casual" dress code; and assigned seating based on "optimal personality compatibility."
"I laughed and said 'You can't be serious,'" the poster wrote, but her sister was adamant about enforcing the rules. The confrontation escalated when she refused to comply, suggesting that her sister host the gathering instead if she wanted to implement such rigid measures, and "now the family is mad at me," the poster said.
The decision to cancel hosting Thanksgiving has divided the family. The poster said her sister "doubled down, saying I was being ungrateful and stubborn" and her mother thinks she "should've just humored her [the younger sister] for the day." Her brother, however, sided with her, refusing to attend any gathering featuring a "holiday constitution."
The poster admitted "I'm torn," asking "was I wrong for standing my ground, or should I have let her run the day to keep the peace?"
'Family Gatherings Often Do Resemble Chaos'
Cross said that the poster was justified in her decision to cancel. "Hosting a holiday is already a significant effort, and introducing strict rules like a conversational turn-taking system, a dress code, and assigned seating detracted from the informal, warm spirit of the gathering," she added.
Michelle King Rayfield, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) at Ocean Recovery in California, echoed the sentiment, adding that hosting requires emotional energy, and the sister's actions may have violated trust.
"While the sister's suggestion of a family contract comes from wanting to restore peace, it may feel too formal and potentially exacerbate tension," she said.
The LMFT added: "One way to navigate this situation is to explore alternatives to hosting. The family could meet in a neutral space or rotate hosting duties to alleviate pressure."
Rayfield recommended prioritizing open communication and respect for boundaries as a healthier path forward, noting that "while traditions like Thanksgiving are important, the health of family relationships should always come first."
She said that "family gatherings often do resemble chaos," adding that controversial topics and loud conversations were common stressors.
However, etiquette expert Hayes said that demanding signed agreements might be too rigid for some families. "I would suggest a compromise," she added, saying, "what if family members simply give their verbal agreement to speak and behave with more decorum at Thanksgiving?"
'You Did the Right Thing'
The viral post sparked fury among users on Reddit who criticized the younger sister's behavior and applauded the poster for maintaining her boundaries.
User johnnyjohnjohn1998 commented: "Her sister's approach completely misses the spirit of Thanksgiving. OP {the original poster] did the right thing by refusing to let her take over and dictate how everyone behaves in her home."
TheVaneja posted: "She [the younger sister] has a hell of an ego to think she has any business dictating how family dinner can go. I personally would have simply uninvited her unless or until she stepped down."
ChinaCatSunflower44 added: "Your mom is ridiculous for asking you to cater to her whims … In your own home. You did the right thing …"
Born-Horror-5049 wrote: "I'm with your brother. This would make me skip Thanksgiving all together … If she wants to be the Thanksgiving police she's welcome to attempt this at her own house."
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