How People-Pleasing Is Ruining Your Sex Life and How To Stop It

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Lucy Notarantonio is Newsweek's Senior Lifestyle and Trends Reporter, based in Birmingham, UK. Her focus is trending stories and human interest features ranging from health, pets and travel. Lucy joined Newsweek in August 2022 and previously worked at Mercury Press and Media and other UK national newspapers, the Australian Women Magazines and The New York Post. My focus is human-interest stories ranging from relationships to health, fitness, travel, and home. I am always on the lookout for relationships that go against the "norm" such as age-gap ones along with incredible weight loss stories aimed to inspire and motivate others. Languages: English She is a Derby University graduate You can get in touch with l.notarantonio@newsweek.com.

Senior Life and Trends Reporter

Many of us struggle with setting boundaries and prioritizing our needs due to people-pleasing—a behavior that often means sacrificing your own needs to avoid conflict or rejection. But doing this in the bedroom can cause emotional and psychological distress in intimate relationships.

Claudia Giolitti-Wright, a licensed marriage therapist and the founder of Psychotherapy for Young Women in New York City, told Newsweek how struggling to express one's own needs in a relationship—particularly in the realm of intimacy—can ultimately ruin it.

According to a YouGov survey published in October last year, 48 percent of 1,122 Americans identify as people-pleasers. Women (52%) are more likely than men (44%) to consider themselves people-pleasers.

Giolitti-Wright, who has over 14 years of experience, said: "While people-pleasing often stems from a deep desire to be loved, accepted or avoid conflict, it can have unintended consequences in a person's sex life, leading to dissatisfaction, disconnection and even resentment."

A stock image of an upset couple ignoring each other. Newsweek discussed how to set boundaries, and prioritize your own sexual need with a relationship therapist. Prostock-Studio/iStock / Getty Images Plus

How People-Pleasing Can Ruin Your Sex Life

Giolitti-Wright said prioritizing a partner's desires while ignoring or suppressing one's own can manifest in several ways:

1. Saying "yes" when you mean "no" – "Many people-pleasers struggle with boundaries, leading them to agree to sexual experiences they aren't fully comfortable with. Over time, this erodes trust with themselves and their partner."
2. Performing rather than experiencing – "Instead of being present and engaged, a people-pleaser may focus on pleasing their partner to the point that they disconnect from their own pleasure. This makes intimacy feel like a duty rather than an expression of connection."
3. Fear of expressing desires – "A people-pleaser may hesitate to voice what they want in bed, fearing they'll be judged, rejected or seen as 'too much.' This can lead to unfulfilling sex and unmet emotional needs."
4. Resentment buildup – "When a person consistently prioritizes their partner's needs over their own, resentment can quietly build, leading to emotional distance and a decline in sexual intimacy."
5. A lack of authenticity in connection – "True intimacy requires vulnerability, but people-pleasing often stems from a learned belief that being one's full self isn't safe. This makes it hard to create a deep emotional and sexual bond."

A headshot of Claudia Giolitti-Wright. She has provided tips on how to stop people-pleasing in the bedroom. Provided by Claudia Giolitti-Wright

A 2022 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that women who perceived their partners' masculinity as fragile were more likely to fake orgasms, experience lower sexual satisfaction and communicate less honestly due to anxiety. Women who earned more than their partners were twice as likely to fake orgasms, and those who viewed their partners' masculinity as insecure reported higher anxiety and reduced sexual openness.

How to Stop People-Pleasing and Reclaim Your Sexual Autonomy

For a healthy sex life, an environment of authenticity, mutual pleasure and emotional safety is essential. While people-pleasers often have good intentions, this behavior can ultimately be detrimental to a relationship.

"A truly satisfying sex life requires both people to feel seen, heard and valued," Giolitti-Wright told Newsweek.

She shared the following steps to help individuals overcome people-pleasing and honor their own desires:

1. Recognize where it comes from – "People-pleasing often originates in childhood, particularly in those who grew up feeling that love or safety was conditional. Understanding this can help a person begin to separate past survival patterns from present-day relationships."
2. Practice boundary-setting – "Saying 'no' is an essential skill in both relationships and sex. Start with small, everyday boundaries and work up to expressing sexual boundaries clearly and without guilt."
3. Shift from external validation to internal awareness – "Instead of gauging satisfaction based on a partner's reaction, people-pleasers can learn to check in with their own feelings first. Asking, 'What do I want in this moment?' can be a powerful practice."
4. Communicate desires and discomfort openly – "Learning to express needs—both sexual and emotional—is crucial. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but honest conversations about pleasure, consent and comfort can strengthen intimacy."
5. Cultivate self-worth outside of approval – "Many people-pleasers subconsciously tie their self-worth to how well they meet others' needs. Exploring personal passions, practicing self-compassion and working with a therapist can help shift this mindset."

By addressing people-pleasing behaviors and fostering open communication, individuals can create healthier, more fulfilling intimate relationships based on mutual respect and authenticity.

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