Survivor 47’s producers: Merge? Nah. Let’s give half the players nothing to do instead!

Survivor 47’s players have finally made the merge, so now it’s time to divide them up into two teams and pretend like that never happened.

Ugh. Friends, as soon as that happened, I got grouchy. After an incredible merge episode, a terrific Tribal Council, and some momentum with the game, the producers were like, Nah, let’s stop that. And then when they threw in a must-be-used-today! advantage, it’s almost like they were just controlling the outcome.

We ended up with a Tribal Council where half of the players could not vote or participate, two-thirds were immune, and thus just three votes could send someone home—and not even to the jury.

Jeff Probst said last week that he doesn’t like large tribes—danger, the monster, balls, et cetera—and oh, did he prove it this episode.

Survivor 47 episode 7’s team-based immunity challenge (Photo by Robert Voets/CBS)

For part of the episode that ended up not mattering, at least not now, Andy was still irritated—hey look, something else we have in common!—that he’d been the back-up vote for Rome’s exit.

Sol told Andy “I did not want to do that” but then did a spectacularly bad job of smoothing things over by saying that he was 1) convinced Rome had an idol and 2) Rome would vote for him so 3) by the transitive property, as Andy said, “you’re very confident you’re sending me home.”

Oof. Why not just say, There’s always a back-up plan; at the last minute, Sam said it was me, I got lost in his eyes and thighs, and I didn’t have time to argue. Because Sol did eventually come around to blaming Sam: “Sam is the one who said you’re the back-up.”

Anyway, they made up and banded together. The next morning, Genevieve joined Andy on the beach for some writing in the sand, telling us, “I’m the market for a new ally.” Yeah, that’s what happens when your Ally is voted out. Andy, convinced he’s the third wheel, said, “let’s take the game in our own hands.”

But again, the producers had other ideas.

Sue said she didn’t play pickleball regularly—after all, that’s an old person’s game, and she’s 36. Instead, she told everyone, “I play racquetball every day.” Ah, yes, racquetball, Gen Z’s favorite game. After she plays she goes and gets a malted and listens to the jukebox because, you know, she’s 21 and can go out into the world without a chaperone.

Then came talk of a women’s alliance, which means, of course, that a woman would likely be voted out of that very alliance in mere hours. “I would love for all the women to make it to the jury,” Teeny told us, but added that, since the Black Widow Brigade, “it gets snubbed before it even gets a chance to start.” So the plan was to “eat all the men.”

The merged, soon-to-be-unmerged Survivor 47 tribe: Genevieve Mushaluk, Sam Phalen, Gabe Ortis, Sierra Wright, Kyle Ostwald, Teeny Chirichillo, Andy Rueda, Sue Smey, Solomon “Sol” Yi, Rachel LaMont, and Caroline Vidmar. (Photo by Robert Voets/CBS)

At the challenge, Jeff Probst marveled at “the merged tribe of Survivor 47,” and then forgot what he just said. “Let’s divide that community and pit you together.”

Let’s not and pretend you never had this idea? No? Okay. I guess you have something more creative in mind? Standing on balance beams and balancing a ball? Didn’t we just do that? Shut up, Andy?

The new TeamTribeThings, after a rock draw, were:

• Yellow: Genevieve, Sierra, Teeny, Sol, Andy, and Sam—half yellow and half red
• Blue: Rachel, Caroline, Sue, Tiyana, Gabe, and Kyle—all of blue plus Rachel

“I cannot believe this is happening,” Rachel said. Ditto.

What was happening: all players competed at once. The last remaining player won immunity for their entire new TeamTribeThing. The last remaining player on the first TeamTribeThing to drop out won individual immunity, but their entire TeamTribeThing would go to Tribal Council.

For the actual challenge, players had to stand on a balance beam and hold a thing balancing a ball—exactly like the second half of last episode’s immunity challenge, just with a different apparatus to balance the ball. Ah, the creativity.

Sam and Andy participate in the immunity challenge, before having nothing else to do for the rest of Survivor 47 episode 7 (Photo by Robert Voets/CBS)

Last week was such a great merge episode, and I was so annoyed by this twist I just kinda zoned out during the balancing and babbling.

Kyle was the last one for the new blue TeamTribeThing, saving himself but losing it for his team. That meant the Andy-Genevieve vs. Sam-Sierra showdown was deferred because they were just going to go snack and then watch Tribal Council.

Like, literally half the players had nothing to do. The winning TeamTribeThing’s reward was served to them in the sand, yum.

They also got served an advantage, which camera operators kept zooming in on to show us; it was tucked into the decor on a support pole for their little pergola.

As everyone napped, Andy searched around with the stealth and grace of a semi-trailer truck driving down a road made of Legos and bubble wrap.

The advantage was actually behind Sol, and he finally noticed it. He won “Take Your Pick Advantage,” which was for not for him—of course not; they’re just extraneous players—byt for him to gift someone on the other team/tribe, and they could turn it into either “Block a Vote” or “Safety Without Power,” but had to use it immediately, because the producers wanted fireworks, dammit.

Would this new tribe’s vote be easy, a quick vote for Rachel? Caroline said “the easy vote might not be a smart vote.”

Tiyana pointed out the one possible problem with that plan: Sticking together as five for this Tribal Council would send a message to the other players that the original blue tribe was still together. “We are going to be picked off because we don’t have the majority,” she said, and let them know, “not only are we really, really strong, but we’re liars.”

Gabe was on the lookout for a real connection on his new TeamTribeThing, calling the others “tools for me to use,” and later hugging Rachel after a chat and making a face to the camera that said Haha she’s toast.

Meanwhile, Kyle was on the lookout for a chance to get rid of Gabe. But really, the vote was Rachel. Caroline told Tiyana, “Rachel is the best I’ve seen in a long time.

Cue Tribal Council, which started with about half an hour left. So yes, it’s time for another episode of The Jeff Probst Show. On today’s episode: Talking, and lots of talking.

“Now we’re back down to small numbers,” Probst said at the beginning of Tribal Council, giddy. He loves his small tribes!

You’d think Tribal Council was actually live the way Probst was killing time, repeatedly returning to the idea that “we could just vote out Rachel.” Yes, duh, let’s just vote.

Rachel, for her part, called this “the worst possible scenario” and said “I don’t know if Gabe is blowing smoke up my ass” about another possibility.

When Caroline started talking about “new era” “big moves”—even though she tried to talk about them needing to be “smart moves”—my eyes rolled back into my head.

So it was time to vote—never mind! Time for Rachel to read some producer writing.

“I found a scroll in my bag,” she said, meaning a producer was like, Um, here, read this. “I discovered somebody sent me an advantage, only good for tonight.”

Rachel chose Safety Without Power, so she left Tribal Council, safe. Weird they didn’t let her sit in the spectator area, but I guess Safety Without Power does not include spectator seating.

“Thank you, whoever you are,” she said as she walked by. Jeff Probst shouted, You’re welcome, my idea, me me me me me!

Next, Narrator McObvious told them, “You will be turning on each other” and “we’re back to the Tuku tribe.”

Question: Why not just vote? Oh, because we have to talk more, silly me. I didn’t want the game to be at this place, but wouldn’t the most-interesting outcome be to just vote immediately and not discuss it?

Tiyana cried; Kyle started to whisper to Sue, and I assume he said How old are you? You look so young! and then Sue whispered back, I’m 26, just like you all, don’t vote me out!

The most disturbing part about all this whispering, besides all this whispering, was what Gabe whispered to Kyle: “Sue will do whatever the fuck we want” and “we can’t control T.” So yes, of course they voted out someone they can’t control. Ugh, women and their independence, amIright, Gabe?

Tiyana was devastated, giving a death stare to the tribe and sobbing audibly as she left. The producers got their moment.