The one little thing which could solve the BBC's Gregg Wallace problem

Feeling Sunday night blues? Forget about Monday morning - take five minutes to reflect on the week that was as Daily Mirror Columnist Jessica Boulton brings you Jess Saying, her wry, witty and whimsical recap of the past seven days in showbiz.....

Monday Madness

It's still a month until Santa has to get up off the sofa and do some work. But Rylan Clark has already had All He Wants For Christmas.

For he's done a festive special with none other than the Queen of Christmas, herself, Mariah Carey. But apart from interviewing yet another A-list superstar (adding to his list of Madonna, Kylie and Cher), Rylan's also done something even Santa could never get away with.

He's out diva-ed Mariah. Yes, former Celebrity Big Brother star Ry put pop icon Mariah - the woman famed above all others for her extravagant riders - in her place. How? He kept her WAITING. For 30 MINUTES.

OK, it turns out it was because the legendary diva was early, but still.

"She had to wait for me," said Rylan this week. "I was so embarrassed."

To be fair, he must have felt bad if he's said that. Judging from some of the things he's done on TV, like some of his early style choices on The X Factor, for instance....

....his embarrassment threshold is usually uncommonly high.

Jives before Jibes? Tuesday

The showbiz world has been forced to endure a massive loss, it was confirmed this week: Craig Revel Horwood's cutthroat barbs.

Yes, Craig has confessed he has toned down his once legendary jibes in fear of "being cancelled".

Whether this loss represents another "victim of" or another "victory for" woke culture, I'll leave for you to debate.

But what will get a giggle is what Craig now has to say about himself. For he claims he's become "more like a teacher" offering "the truth in a nice way", rather than like the 'class bully' he used to be. (To continue the school analogy.)

One may argue, however, that the new-look Craig isn't quite as soft and cuddly as he's implying. For he may just be directing his "wit" elsewhere: in Anton Du Beke's direction perhaps.

Let's review the evidence:

1. There was this quip when Anton told him his age: "You should tell your surgeon, darling. It's not working out for you!", said Craig. Ouch

2. Then this zinger: "Anton, darling, are you going to be standing up any more? It's getting really on my nerves. Just saying."

3. And finally, this outfit.

Getting your work bestie to dress as the creepy twin from The Shining? Sorry, Craig, but I think you're still a Mean Girl Regina George at heart.

Got the hump Wednesday

Chesney Hawkes's new single Live Forever was released with great fanfare and a Radio 2 premiere on Wednesday - in what looks like a good sign for his upcoming album.

But it turns out living is not the only thing Ches plans to do forever. He's also pretty good at holding a grudge.

For, a very unexpected showbiz spat has also emerged this week: the One and Only Chesney Hawkes vs Phillip Schofield.

And it was all over? The Smash Hits Poll Winners Party 1991.

aI know what you're thinking - could it be any more nostalgic? Chuck in an ER boxset, a Friends binge-watch and a Nirvana (OK, Aqua) CD, and I'm practically back to my 90s' teen self.

But in summary, Chesney is still fuming former pal Phil jumped on the anti-Hawkes bandwagon during the 90s' too-cool-for-school grunge era.

And it came to a head at the iconic awards show, when Phil pretended to "banish" a "lookalike" Chesney into a fiery pit of hell? with a pitchfor

"They had this guy dressed as me in a blond wig with a mole. It was awful," said poor Chesney. "I was 19. It was unacceptable."

[He] was old enough to know better."

As grievances go it's pretty unique. And one can see why young Ches might have felt a little, erm, fired up about the experience.

Schofield's camp is yet to respond to requests for a comment. So may I suggest a PR strategy, Phil? Don't get burnt - find yourself a puppet to take the fall, a scapegoat......

.....Or better yet, a scape-gopher

Tough Rod Thursday

It's fair to say Gregg Wallace has been feeling the heat this week - and not just in the kitchen.

For, on Thursday, it was announced he would be stepping away from MasterChef after nearly 20 years at the helm alongside John Torode.

Surprisingly, it's not because...

A) Someone finally questioned why a former greengrocer with no formal culinary training is qualified to judge budding top chefs.

B) Someone's raised suspicions he's lost all sense of taste (albeit just sartorially).

It's actually, as you'll all have seen, for a serious reason: TV bosses have launched an investigation into multiple allegations of misconduct, including numerous accusations that he made unsolicited sexual comments in the workplace.

His lawyers insist any suggestion Wallace engages in behaviour of a sexually harassing nature is false.

But until the investigation is concluded, he will not be taking part in the show.

In line with journalistic standards, there's no more I should say.

But Sir Rod Stewart, whose wife Penny Lancaster appeared on Celebrity MasterChef, is, um, not a journalist.

And he tweeted: "Good riddance Wallace? You're a tubby, bald-headed, ill-mannered bully. Karma got ya. Sir Rod Stewart."

While the tweet is, erm, subtle and measured, one could just about surmise: Sir Rod isn't too cut up about Gregg's imminent grilling. In fact, you could probably go out on a limb and say? He's hoping Gregg's goose is cooked.

Fake it? Friday

The BBC have another big problem. MasterChef: The Professionals is pre-recorded and - gasp! - currently on air. So either they pull it from the schedules - or they have to get creative. And quickly.

They're not the first to find themselves in this kind of sticky situation.

After spending hundreds of millions on Agatha Christie's Death On The Nile, Disney faced that age-old quandary: what do you do when the dashing lead is accused of sending inappropriate sexual messages?

..about his CANNIBAL fantasies?

Mickey and co decided to plough on through and release the film anyway - albeit a year late in 2022 - as Armie Hammer continued to deny the claims.

But while the movie didn't sink, Armie's scandal is thought to have cost them an arm and a leg in potential lost revenue.

An alternative for the Beeb is to do what Ridley 'Gladiator II' Scott did with Kevin Spacey's role in 2017's All The Money In The World: reshoot all his scenes with someone else (the uber-talented Christopher Plummer).

One doubts next year's MasterChef has Ridley's kind of budget though - or the budget for any hi-tech AI deep fakery.

But for once Gen Z might have the answer: why not just use an smartphone filter? Run the existing footage through a novelty app, select any cartoon effect you want, and, hey presto, Gregg's got a new face...

....and the Beeb won't have egg on their's.

Jess a Quickie

Ella Citron-Thompkins of Diamonds Factory has come up with an "interesting" theory about why Coleen Rooney is wearing diamond earrings on I'm a Celeb.

"Diamonds come from the Greek for invincible or unbreakable," she said to journalists. "Traits she's displayed in the jungle."

Mmmm. By that logic, what jewellery should screamer Dean McCullough be wearing? One of those 90s' dummy necklaces, perhaps?

Picture of the Week

It's been a nightmare in Hollywood this week.

If you're a Hollywood A-lister, on the other hand, it's been that wonderful time of year when they get together as a family, cook a gorgeous wholesome meal, and share lots of happy...snaps on Instagram, of course.

So it was good to see some big names more concerned with helping others than getting likes.

It may be Ben Affleck's first Thanksgiving since second wife J-Lo filed for divorce, but the Batman star didn't spend the day holed up in his man cave licking his wounds.

Instead, he, his three children and his ex-wife Jennifer Garner - aka Deadpool's Elektra - volunteered with a charity dishing out food for the homeless of LA's Skid Row.

Yep, the A-list exes really are superheroes onscreen and off. And you know what else? Ben can finally forget Good Will Hunting.

He's got plenty of it already.

Have you seen a funny celeb story? Is there a celeb you can't stand? Or one who just can't do anything wrong in your eyes? Let me know you showbiz musings in the comments or via @JessicaBoultonomn X/Instagram