The Traitors turns into Housewife Hunters and Survivor slander season

The Traitors US season 3, episode 2 left off with the three original traitors—Bob the Drag Queen, and queens Carolyn and Danielle—learning that the banished Rob Mariano was joining them in the turret.

By the time the episode was over, the four learned that they’d have to collaborate in the open to nominate three players, giving them a major traitor challenge. Considering they could hardly agree when talking in private, this should be interesting.

But that is next week.

Boston Rob told us “I’m not too thrilled when I look around and see who my fellow traitors are. They couldn’t be more different.” Yeah, it’s a lot harder to win a game when the other cast members don’t just fall to their feet and fluff your peacock.

I think this is one reason why I’m tired of Boston Rob on reality TV. He’s so revered that others defer to him, and it’s clear that’s what he expected: Rob told us he hoped they’d “have enough sense to let me direct the murder.”

Then again, this is one reason why this might end up different. Rob is not in a house with a bunch of newbies, but some strong personalities, and the traitors’ tower is no exception.

Bob the Drag Queen proposed murdering Dolores or Ayan to create more chaos, and when Danielle and Carolyn objected, he said, “it’s literally flawless and I will hear no other answers,” Bob said.

Carolyn wanted to target Britney, but Danielle realized that’d point a finger at her: “it’s a no for me,” she said.

Guess who got their way? Bob. The Drag Queen, that is, not Harper. (Also bringing Rob on means we now have Bob and Bob and Rob.) Also Bob got in another delightful zinger at Rob when Rob wrote the death warrant, saying, “That’s serial killer handwriting right there.”

Rob asked, “Do we want more chaos or do we want a directed, unified front?” I don’t know what a unified front would look like as a murder, but what Bob the Drag Queen definitely wanted was chaos, and he got it.

I’m honestly not sure how much stock the faithful can put into trying to figure out the rationale for murders, because it could be to 1) enact a vendetta, or 2) point the finger toward someone else as if they were enacting a vendetta, or 3) neither of those.

Rob Mariano, Wes Bergmann, and Derrick Levasseur enjoy their final moments of Traitors safety, a gift from the producers (Photo by Euan Cherry/Peacock)

Rob and Wes and Derrick arrived first at breakfast, safe thanks to the producers protecting their investment. Wes said he named the three of them: “cage boys is what I’m affectionately referring to us as. … sounds like a nice boy band, doesn’t it?” Uh, no, Wes, it sounds like this NSFW thing.

Tony asked if they’d share who they gave their shields to, and Wes earned his paycheck by saying, “I’ve been taught not to talk to cops.”

Derrick told us he’s convinced Wes or Rob is a traitor, and I think Derrick may just go far: He’s less of a large personality than other winners in the house, and he’s also pretty savvy.

Danielle used her second breakfast to say way too much. “I keep thinking someone’s going to take Britney out,” she said, and then insisted Bob the Drag Queen isn’t a traitor (“I know he’s a faithful”) but could be a victim: “I wouldn’t be surprised if they try to kill him. … I put my odds on Bob the Drag Queen. He’s been very vocal.” What is she doing?

The traitors decided not to get rid of Tom, probably because he’s just a sweaty lump who’s no threat to anyone, and instead ousted Ayan, prompting Dolores to declare, “It’s Housewife Hunters, it’s no longer Traitors.”

What makes it still The Traitors is Alan Cumming declaring Ayan was “a Real Housewife of Du-bye-bye,” and tossing her picture to the ground.

Jeremy told Carolyn “you’re good, you’re good” and “I would watch Danielle,” which is the kind of conversation I love on this show: trust and confidence that leads people to tell the wrong people things.

After breakfast, Dylan floated a theory that’d continue right through to the roundtable: that Robyn and Bob the Drag Queen both floated Wells’ name, but Bob was particularly suspicious because he said the name and then let it go.

By the way: I don’t watch Vanderpump Rules, but does Tom Sandoval’s face always look like he’s trying very, very hard not to poo himself?

Alan Cumming sent The Traitors US 3 players into a clown’s mouth to encounter more clowns, and I don’t mean Tom Sandoval (Photo by Euan Cherry/Peacock)

The mission took the players to a field for a trip into Alan’s clown’s mouth. In pairs, they had to go through a series of rooms, each with four doors. One would open; the others had a creepy clown who jumped out and popped the balloon they were carrying.

Each pair could communicate with the remaining players, telling them which door they were trying.

In theory, I like this as a challenge: it’s about communication and memory. But there was some information missing. How simple would it have been for the players to just label The doors one through four? They must have been prohibited from doing that—”There are four doors; counting from left to right, we’re trying #3.”—because otherwise their trying to explain the patterns doesn’t make much sense.

Some of them did that describing pretty poorly, but the players who followed them had another clue: the confetti and glitter all over the floor that clearly gave away which doors were tried first, especially after the first two. I think this challenge just needed more workshopping.

Every pair that got through with a balloon earned money, and the first team to the end also got shields for themselves. That immediately triggered everyone’s self-preservation, so no one volunteered to go first. When the same players who volunteered to get out in the first challenge did so again: Bob Harper volunteered to go with Dolores, and Bob the Drag Queen pointed out that yet again the same people were volunteering.

Bob Harper said, “Tony, say something. Do you want to go first? Do you want to go first? … I wish Tony would step up.” Who knew Bob Harper can shame people who aren’t on treadmills. “Have some balls, my god.”

They were waiting so long it started to pour, and Tony and Nikki volunteered to go first. Tony did a hilariously bad job of describing the door, describing it first as “multiple diamonds.” All four doors had multiple diamonds. And then:

Tony gets his balloon popped during the mission, for which he and Nikki were paired together (Photo by Euan Cherry/Peacock)

But no one did well. Dolores and Bob Harper even went through the wrong door as everyone yelled “no!” A montage burned through most of the players, and Wes and Ciara were the only ones left. They made it to the last room, where they found “fucking Ferbus” (in Ciara’s words) and fake spider webs. They chose the door with webs on it—a pretty solid guess—but there was a clown inside.

That left the players with $0 and pouty faces.

On the way back, Jeremy told his car—including Bob the Drag Queen—that he suspected Danielle, and Bob the Drag Queen told us “I want to be at the end of this game with Danelle, and I will not betray her.”

He told her in the bar—starting with words that are not wise to say when you’re a traitor, such as “Traitor to traitor, criminal to criminal, listen…” Eek, Bob! Carolyn came in and said Jeremy also mentioned Danielle.

“They are thirsty for some fucking blood,” Bob said. So maybe feed them Rob Mariano and become immediate reality TV heroes?

Tony, meanwhile, Gabby thought Tony was pointing the finger at Bob Harper “for no fucking reason.”

Dylan told Wes and Jeremy that he planned to call out both Bob The Drag Queen and Robyn, and Wes told him “that is a rookie move.” Also a rookie move: Jeremy told Bob the Drag Queen that Dylan was calling him out, and Tony was like, “go talk to him.” That might work on Survivor, maybe? But Jeremy knew it was a bad idea and said, “no!”

Dylan went ahead with the rookie move and called out Robyn and Bob the Drag Queen as possible traitors, and Bob the Drag Queen hit back hard.

“Literally no,” he said when Dylan suggested Bob was the one who wanted Wells out. “Let me reiterate for the people who are not listening … the name Wells came to me.”

Robyn also fought back, especially when Dylan said they had a conversation with Ayan. “How convenient. SHe’s not here to back up my story,” she said.

Bob called Dylan “a mess,” and that may also describe Bob’s response. Later Bob told Dylan “get off my back” and said “that should be your drag name: Miss Guided.”

Meanwhile, Gabby called out Tony because he “threw out Bob H.’s name.” Bob Harper jumped on that, saying, “you have been so quiet and you have just pulled back … everything is leaning toward you right now, Tony.” That led to Tony and Bob Harper yelling at each other, so basically there was a lot of yelling.

Jeremy came to Tony’s defense. “I played with Tony before. He crushed my dreams of winning, and I have the right to say, Get him outta here. I don’t believe he’s a traitor.”

But the momentum was building or had built up. Robyn said Tony was “someone who can really, really handle the job.” When she added, “the best person I can think of is Tony,” I expected Rob Mariano to jump and yell, No I am the best person, that’s why they picked me! I’m a traitor!!

Rob Mariano did jump in to protect his fellow traitor, he told us, and said that he gave his shield to Tony, but “since I’ve given you the shield you have not even figured out a way to talk to me at all, not once … that just feels sus.”

Rob tried to kind of back down from that, saying, “I don’t think you are” but then “I don’t know if you’re a traitor or not” and “I didn’t think you were, but I don’t know.”

That confusion continued to the vote, though there was more consensus this time: Tony got 14 votes, and was banished. But Ivar got two votes from Wes and Bob the Drag Queen, even though his name never came up. Both Bobs got a vote, and so did Robyn and Tom.

Tony, choking up, told the players, “The relationships, the bonds—genuine, sincere. I’m a faithful.” Then he told Boston Rob, “You’re a sell-out, bro.” Oof.

While I was worried for Bob the Drag Queen at the roundtable, he recovered remarkably well, saying to Dylan, “I am not a traitor. I am a lot,” and basically praised Dylan for calling him out. Dylan said, “you literally are convincing me right now.”

But Dylan wasn’t really convinced, or at least that’s what he told us, but said he was going to back down from targeting Bob the Drag Queen.

Now the question is who the traitors will target to be placed in coffins—and whether that will include one of them. I think choosing Bob the Drag Queen might be a good idea—or at least, would be the best option among the traitors, since he was the most vocal at the roundtable, and thus would seem like an obvious (too obvious?) target.