Why You Probably Shouldn't Shave Your Head For The Cancer Patient In Your Life

There's a lot of conversation online at the moment about actor John Stamos wearing a bald cap for some photos with his Full House costar and friend, Dave Coulier.

As a cancer survivor myself, I feel like I should shed some light on the one question that almost nobody is asking: do cancer patients even want you to shave your head in solidarity?

I see so many comments that boil down to, "If he really supported his friend, he would shave his head for real." But far too few people are considering what it would actually feel like to be the cancer patient in this situation.

In movies and TV shows, friends, family members, and loved ones of cancer patients are often shown shaving their heads in tearful scenes. It's a classic trope of the "cancer genre." Think Samantha Jones' boyfriend, Smith, shaving his head as she goes through breast cancer treatment in the last season of Sex and the City.

But if you talk to actual cancer patients, a different picture emerges. In the support groups where I still find community and understanding even a year out from treatment, I see the head-shaving conversation pop up fairly often.

Losing one's hair can be really painful, so it's understandable why so many people see shaving their heads as a meaningful gesture of solidarity. But patients don't always see it that way. 

Some patients don't want their loved ones to shave their heads because they would see it as a sign of what they have also lost. Personally, when I was in treatment, I lived for the moments that felt "normal," when I could forget about cancer for a little while. Seeing my loved ones' scalps would not have been helpful for me — it would have been a constant reminder that things were very much not normal.

And others see it as a performative gesture that's unhelpful at best and, at worst, is about the person shaving their head, not the patient. Cancer treatment is hard, and there are so many much more tangible ways to offer support.

On the other hand, some people do love this gesture. But you have to ask the cancer patient in your life to find out how they'd feel about it. Please don't assume that we all love it or hate it.

Looking for an even better way to support your friend, family member, or coworker who has cancer? Here are a few tips based on what was personally helpful for me and what I've heard from others in the cancer community:

If you have the time and resources, offer to help in a specific and concrete way.

Spend some quality time with us, and, for extra credit, make us laugh!

And finally, follow our lead.

Have you or a loved one been through cancer treatment? What do you think about the head-shaving question? Tell us what's on your mind in the comments.