How To Tell Someone You Like Them (Without Just Telling Them)

Sure, the simplest answer to the question of “how to tell someone you like them” is: Just say it. But sometimes, that isn't the move.

Whether you have a crush or want to make a long-term partner feel special, there are so many ways to show you care beyond simply saying, “I like you.” Actions speak louder than words, etc. And really, you have to work your way up to it! It is a big deal, and all that build up and anticipation can be exciting.

But before you do anything, let go of any expectations around the outcome. “Expressing interest in someone is not a test of self-worth,” says Sue Marriott, LCSW, CGP, host of the podcast Therapist Uncensored and the co-author of Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World. “Your value doesn't hinge on whether you tell them or how your feelings are received.” Instead, she suggests viewing it as an act of authenticity and courage—a step toward personal growth and meaningful connection, no matter what happens next.

But where to start? “'I was looking forward to seeing you,' said with eye contact and a smile is a friendly but safe opener,” Marriott says. “Notice if they respond in kind—it's all part of the dance.”

Read on for more expert tips on how to tell someone you like them, dating advice and tricks for how to get your flirt on, and a few personal examples of my own tried-and-true methods.

1.Be warm and direct

Like Marriott suggested, don't feel pressure to play it cool around your crush. When they walk in the room, it's OK to smile and wave. To say, “I'm so glad you're here.” They should catch on eventually.

Obviously you're not going to just shout “I love you” at them, but being too subtle could hurt your efforts as nerve-wracking as this all may be. “When we're anxious, we're prone to misreading interpersonal cues,” says Marriott. “That eyebrow twitch could be a flirt, or simply a quirk—so how do you know? When we are missing information, like how the other person feels about us, we often fill in the missing story with our fears and pain of past rejections, or we may project hope into neutral social signals."

“That’s why it’s important to hold your interpretations of what subtle cues mean lightly until you find out more,” she says. “And it’s why it’s a good idea to take the risk and let them know.”

2. Listen, remember, repeat

In conversation, practice “active listening.” It's as simple as saying their name—studies show people love hearing it said aloud—and responding in a way that shows you're paying attention to what the other person is saying. Even replying “oh my god!” to big news, “wow, congratulations” after a brag, or “wait, start over” to a crazy story can go a long way.

“One study conducted by Faye Doell showed that there are two different types of listening: 'listening to understand' and 'listening to respond,'” Diana Raab, Ph.D., wrote in Psychology Today. “Those who 'listen to understand' have greater satisfaction in their interpersonal relationships than others.”

To be an even more active listener, remember what your crush told you and bring it up later in conversation or the next time you meet up. Example: If they talked about their sister the last time you spoke, ask about her the next time you see them. When they mention a new book they're reading, read it so you can discuss it with them. You don't even have to fake it! Say you don't like the book if you don't like it. If this person is a good match, they'll be happy to have an honest conversation about one of their interests. I personally watched two seasons of Six Feet Under for this reason. (My review? It's depressing!)

If you're crushing hard on someone and a little bit forgetful, consider jotting down a few salient points from your conversation in the Notes App so you can refer to it later. It's not weird—it's a memory trick.

3. Find common interests

All you really need for an endless stream of things to say to your crush are a few shared interests so you can find ways to bring it up. And with all that active listening you've been doing, this should be no problem. See an ad for that reality show you know your crush likes? Take a pic and text it to them. Did they tell you a story about buying way too much of an ingredient for a recipe? That's an inside joke now—bring them some the next time you see them.

No pressure, but it could be the key to long-term success: According to Pew Research, 64% of married adults believe that having shared interests are very important to a happy marriage.

4. Open up

Marriott recommends sending out a “test balloon of measured vulnerability.” You don't need to overshare everything about your life or reveal all of your true feelings, of course, but opening up a little about a challenging time you went through or admitting to a recent fear or embarrassment can build a bond.

“It's a brave step towards genuine connection,” Marriott says. But don't info dump. “Gradual vulnerability builds connection. By taking it slow, you give yourself space to notice how your nervous system reacts, guiding your next steps.”

If your crush opens up in turn, take notice and respond accordingly. If they tell you a story about their parents, for example, you might say, “It sounds like you really care about your family.” They'll likely be touched. If they're always apologizing that work ran late, a thoughtful comment like, “You work so hard!” could make them melt. That's how to tell someone why you like them.

5. Flirty little gestures

But once you've established camaraderie, how do you tell someone you want them? Like, as more than friends? Some of those stereotypical physical moves you've seen in movies or heard about from experts can actually come in handy here the next time you see them in person. Smile with just one side of your mouth. Touch your hair. Laugh at their jokes. Say their name with emphasis or an extra syllable ("Dyl-la-n!"). Let your eye contact linger.

Body language helps give subtle signs you're interested, but it'll be even more effective if you combine it with a compliment. A study by Jeffrey Hall, associate professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas and the author of The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want, found that people who are physical flirts—that is, those who express their interest through body language—offered fewer compliments when attracted to a potential match. While this can work well at a party or bar, it led to some awkwardness when talking to their crush in a room one-on-one. “There’s good reason why the physical style doesn’t play out in a conversational environment,” Hall told KU News. “That’s not where physical flirts go. It’s not where they’re most confident.”

6. Casual physical touch

But if you are someone who is more of a physical flirt, know that there are ways to show your interest without getting creepy as long as the touch is non-invasive. Keep it brief, light, and only in non-sexual areas like a playful nudge or a gentle touch on the arm. If you get any vibes that the touch was unwanted, don't try again.

Plus, you can always get closer to your crush without actually touching. Find a natural reason to be near them—like an elevator ride, in the back of a cab, or sitting next to each other on a couch. There's also a way to physically touch via object, or what I like to call “the swaps.” Take their hat and put it on your head, or ask if you can have a sip of their drink. If you're getting hot and taking off a scarf, throw it on them and say, “This looks better on you.” It's disarming and fun!

7. Or try the other love languages

Besides physical touch, the other four love languages are: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation (compliments), and gifts. These also make for good flirtation tools.

I like to do tiny favors, like refilling their glass or accompanying them on an errand. They can go a long way with a crush—especially if they are the kind of person to respond to acts of service. If you can afford it, pay for something small and say it's because they're your “favorite.” If they insist on returning the favor, shrug and say, “You'll get it next time.” See? You've just combined gifts and words of affirmation in one gesture. And now there's a next time!

You can also just suggest spending quality time together. As Marriott says, “'I’d like to get to know you better,' or ‘I’d like to spend more time with you,’ are both warm invitations that don’t put the other person on the spot by asking a direct yes/no question."

8. Subtle social media hints

Today, it's been nearly impossible to date or even flirt with a crush without relying on social media in some way. Back when Twitter was Twitter, I even had a system for getting dates on there. I'd find a cute, smart guy that I was interested in and follow him. He'd usually follow me back. (Not to brag but…I'm really funny.) We'd start liking each other's tweets, and eventually reply to each other. Your basic digital banter. Now, here's My Move: After we established a rapport, I'd reply to his tweets in the DMs. From there, it was just about finding a reason to be in the same place or exchanging phone numbers.

On Instagram, this is a little more complicated because you have to go straight into the DMs without any safe, public chatter first. But you can always reply to their story with emojis and a comment or post something you know they're into—because you were active listening, as mentioned above—to phish for replies. If you're really feeling confident, like an old post at 2 a.m. Everyone knows what that means.

If this the first time you’ve met this potential romantic interest, the Instagram follow can be a crucial step between an introduction and the exchanging numbers. Met someone you liked at a party? Follow them that very night. If they follow back, shoot 'em a message about something that happened so they remember who you are. Send a funny meme or two. Ideally, you find some humorous bit that requires an exchange of numbers to keep it going. What you don't want to do is stay in the “talking stage.” Find an organic way to meet face-to-face again.

For example, I posted a few pictures of myself to Instagram Stories, on different days, wearing different sweaters. A crush replied that I have a lot of sweaters, to which I said, “Is that a challenge?” He said, “Yes.” I told him I would win our sweaters contest (not a real contest, but that didn't matter), but I didn't want to be on Instagram every day. I'd need his number. Then, I texted him pictures of myself in various sweaters over the next week. Eventually he came over. Dorky? Absolutely. But it worked. That's how to tell your crush you like them in the 21st century.

9. Playful teases

Don't be mean. Buuuuuuut. If you show up to the same place at the same time, a light “wow, are you stalking me?” while smiling can get the night off to a banter-y start. Everyone loves that flirt/roast ratio, right? A study by Appalachian State University even found that couples who regularly roasted each other—with humor and not in a nasty way, of course—were more likely to have a longer, healthier relationship. So give them a nickname, however stupid it might sound.

10. When all else fails…

Go hard or go home. Buy an extra ticket to a concert or sports event and ask them to take it off your hands. Lend them a book you “really want their take on” and put your number in it. (Yes, I've done this.) Write your number on the receipt after the hot barista drops it off. (Done this one too!)

Don't overthink it. You don't need to hire a skywriter, send a handwritten romantic love letter, or write an equation that, when plotted on a graphic calculator, makes a heart. That said, my high school prom date did this for me, and it was cute.

If you can, show up to where they are…just don't be stalker-y about it. I was in the DMs with a bartender I liked, when I mentioned that I'd never been to the place where he worked. He said, “Come by on a Monday, that's the best day.” So, the very next Monday, I was there with a kind friend who was willing to accompany me so I didn't have to sit alone. In fact, my friend is sober, so it was a very nice thing she did in coming with me to a bar. Anyway, I slept with him that night, and then all summer. Gotta risk it for the biscuit.

If you're nervous, that's actually a good sign. “Fear of expressing interest is your biology saying, ‘This is important,’ says Marriott. ”So thank your fluttery nerves for doing their job and executing their duty to warn, and then remind yourself that the actual risk is manageable, not a life threat like your body is telling you."

Marriott has a tip for how to deal with that anxiety: Imagine how you'll feel if you don't make a move. “Then imagine feeling the worst possible outcome if you do—and surviving,” she says. It might feel like the end of the world for a moment, sure, but it’ll pass. So take a deep breath, then go for it. “Most pure emotions only last about 90 seconds, after that it’s fueled by story, so no matter the wave of feeling, you are going to be ok. In the end, you can even be proud of yourself for your courage!”

A previous version of this article was written by Scott Alden and Chiara Atik for HowAboutWe. It has since been updated.