I've ranked all 61 films I saw at the cinema in 2024 but almost walked out on these five

2 days ago 2

Another year of rinsing my Odeon membership for all its worth has come to a close and while I didn't see everything, I certainly caught most blockbusters on the big screen.

I dread to think how many total hours I amassed in those eight screens over 2024 but before you accuse me of lacking something in the way of a life, let me stress I live a mere five minute walk away from my local cinema. And if you must know, depending on the shift I often finish / start work earlier / later than most... so get off my back.

As someone who has an admittedly sinful track record in viewing old (old) films, the least I can do is make up for it with brand new ones, right?

So let's get down to it, rather than open with the best, I have a feeling you'd rather hear about the worst. Believe it or not, I enjoyed 56 of the 61 movies I saw, but as for the remaining five, I was left counting the clock and tempted to walk out on half way through.

The Musical trailer with Renee Rapp as Regina George leaves fans confused

Mean Girls

I'm under no illusions that 2024's musical-inspired Mean Girls was not made for the likes of me but that doesn't mean it gets a free pass. Is 20 years really long enough for a remake? No one was asking for it and if they were, they could already see it on stage in the West End. The original did so much for noughties pop culture, this one? Not so much. With all the attention paid to dance routines, it's like making funny fell by the wayside for Mean Girl bosses.

Madame Web

Practically scraping the bottom of my barrel is Marvel's Madame Web. Having read scathing reviews before sitting down for this woeful film, my expectations were low but apparently not low enough. The female-dominated cast was refreshing for a super hero film, as was the lead's ability to see into the future but everything else – bar the overwhelming sense of cringe – was totally forgettable.

Drive Away Dolls

The awkward moment I realise these stinkers of films all have female protagonists. I promise I'm not a hater – see my favourite film and fifth for that matter – in a far better outing for Margaret Qualley than this. Drive Away Dolls somehow achieves the remarkable feat of making a plot based on casts of powerful men's penises, utterly dull. Good story on paper but it felt as much for angsty teens as Mean Girls.

Kinds of Kindness

Kinds of Kindness was unbearable but in a totally different way to those below it on my list. Again, sorry Margaret. Going to the cinema blind on this one was a mistake as I was baffled when the first of three short stories ended. 'Is that it? 'I thought. I wish it was. If the stories overlapped with a common theme, it went over my head. Each plot was more twisted and disturbing than the last. If you're into that kind of thing then it was executed brilliantly but more to the point, why are you into that kind of thing?

At least the closing scene got a mighty cackle out of me.

Megalopolis

I have no idea what the point in this film was. None of it made sense to me, which given its impressive cast is a crying shame. Watching Megalopolis I got the impression how it all looked was all that mattered and expected by producers to carry everything else. Does time stop due to magic or science? Is it set 2,000 years ago or in 2,000 years? Was Shia La Beouf's character created for him to prove just how weird he can go? If anyone has the answers to these questions, save your breath.