‘Love Hurts’ Review: Ke Huy Quan in a Valentine’s-Themed Action Thriller Not Worth Swooning Over

The poster for Love Hurts shows a menacing-looking Ke Huy Quan staring directly into the camera, wearing a cute, heart-emblazoned sweater as Valentine’s Day candies swirl around him. It’s a perfect encapsulation of the dichotomies of this new effort from 87North, the production company which specializes in action films featuring such unlikely stars as Bob Odenkirk (Nobody) and David Harbour (playing a kickass Santa Claus in Violent Night).

Unfortunately, the company doesn’t fare as well with the Oscar-winning actor from Everything Everywhere All at Once. For all his impressive fighting skills, Quan simply doesn’t look very tough, even when outfitted with slicked-back hair and a mustache in the flashbacks. Lovable, yes; a badass, no.

As if acknowledging that fact, the movie leans more heavily into comedy rather than action, even though it features several impressive fight scenes, including one in a kitchen in which nearly every utensil is put to potentially lethal use. That would be fine if the comedy were actually funny, but the script written by Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard and Luke Passmore proves far more groan-worthy than amusing.

As with Nobody, the central character at first looks like a perfectly normal suburban guy, a successful real estate agent so nice he bakes cookies not only for his clients but also for everyone in the office. But just as Odenkirk’s family man turned out to have a secret past as a ruthless assassin, Quan’s Marvin Gable is soon revealed to be a former hitman who worked for his older brother crime boss, Knuckles (Daniel Wu).

Marvin’s past comes back to haunt him when he receives mysterious valentines from Rose (fellow Oscar winner Ariana DeBose, posing more than acting), a former partner-in-crime. And it really bites him in the form of the Raven (Mustafa Shakir), a deadly assassin specializing in knives and blades who shows up in his office looking for Rose, who was presumed dead.

Cue the ultra-violent mayhem, with Rose soon resurfacing and she and Marvin attempting to dodge the murderous efforts of Knuckles’ henchmen, including King (former NFL player Marshawn “Beastmode” Lynch) and Otis (Andre Eriksen), whose comic banter feels Tarantino-lite, and Renny (Cam Gigandet), who has motives of his own. Eventually Knuckles joins the fray, having an encounter with Marvin’s kindly boss (Sean Astin, reuniting with Quan four decades after The Goonies) in which he demonstrates his deadly skills with a boba straw.

Despite the numerous action scenes, goofiness reigns supreme, especially with the silly romance that suddenly develops between the Raven, who displays a surprisingly sensitive, artistic side, and Ashley (Lio Tipton), Marvin’s eccentric assistant. Eventually, romantic sparks fly as well between Marvin and Rose, and the less said about that the better. At various points in the movie, we hear voiceovers from different characters revealing their inner reflections, as if they were in a Hallmark commercial.

None of it proves effective except for those fight scenes, well-orchestrated by first-time director and veteran stunt and fight coordinator Jonathan Eusebio and his accomplished team. They certainly provide the opportunity for Quan, who has extensive stunt and fight choreography experience himself, to demonstrate his considerable skills.

The 53-year-old actor rises to the occasion, even if none of the action quite seems realistic. Feeling overly speeded-up and concentrated toward humorous effect, the battles lack the visceral impact of those in the John Wick films or Nobody. It’s not surprising that the climactic brawl is accompanied by Barry White crooning a love song.

It doesn’t help that Quan is so adorable and endearing that he never fully convinces as a past or present tough guy. The film attempts to skirt this by having most of his fighting be defensive and by having him take more of a beating than any human could reasonably endure, but it still comes across as if Woody Allen suddenly went medieval on someone’s ass while wooing Annie Hall.

Straining for its ungainly combination of action, romance and silly comedy, Love Hurts doesn’t fully succeed in any department. But it does provide the guilty pleasure of watching one of the Property Brothers get shot through the head.