My Wife, My Abuser survivor says the one thing you shouldn't do if you suspect someone is experiencing domestic violence

The man whose story is the focus of harrowing Channel 5 documentary My Wife, My Abuser: The Secret Footage has revealed the one thing he believes you shouldn't do if you suspect a loved one is experiencing domestic violence.

My Wife, My Abuser: The Secret Footage focuses on Richard Spencer who suffered 20 years of violence - which included physical, verbal, financial and psychological abuse - at the hands of his wife Sheree behind closed doors, until a pivotal conversation with a friend led to an intervention from the authorities.

Originally airing on Channel 5 and My 5 earlier this year, a new cut of the documentary has recently landed on Netflix. The two-part series has sent shockwaves up and down the country, going on to feature at No. 1 in Netflix's 'Top 10 Most Watched' list for the UK.

Viewers have also shared their devastated reactions to Richard's story online, with viewers calling the programme a 'difficult but necessary watch' and 'one of the hardest things I’ve ever watched'.

Sheree was ultimately convicted of coercive and controlling behaviour and three counts of actual bodily harm, and is currently serving a four-year prison sentence. Meanwhile Richard has since focused on rebuilding his life with his three children.

Following the premiere of the show on the streaming platform, Richard sat down with LADbible to address some of the harmful misconceptions of domestic violence against men as well as his perspective on what you should and shouldn't do if a loved one is experiencing abuse.

Domestic abuse against men: the facts

According to statistics shared by ManKind Initiative, one in seven men will be a victim of domestic violence during their lifetime.

Meanwhile, 21 percent of male victims didn't tell anyone they were victims of abuse, according to the most recent data.

When it comes to supporting a loved one who you suspect is suffering domestic abuse at the hands of a partner, Richard urges people to focus their attention on being 'empathic and supporting the victim'. He also suggested looking out for warning signs such as a person becoming 'disengaged' and 'distant'.

"You might assume it's because they're just busy, but if you do have any doubts, then I think you need to ask and then kind of ask again and try to connect," he said.

Richard also urged people not to confront an abuser, as this may make the situation worse for the victim.

"One thing I would say you probably definitely shouldn't do would be not to confront the perpetrator," he said. "I definitely would not recommend confronting the perpetrator, because chances are they're going to take it out on the victim. So, there's nothing to be gained."

He continued: "If you antagonise that person, make them aware that you know about abuse, the chances are that the abuse could escalate, and could have stark consequences. I would definitely put all your focus on being empathic and supporting the victim."

Why does society react differently to domestic abuse against men?

Richard also reflected on how harmful stereotypes of domestic abuse can leave male victims vulnerable.

"Some people were certain a man can't really be abused physically. He can't be a victim of domestic abuse because if he wanted to, he's physically big enough and strong enough to walk away," he explained, adding that he would often restrain Sheree from attacking him, but as soon as he'd let go the abuse would be 'worse'.

This is a view shared by ManKind Initiative chairman Mark Brooks, who added to LADbible that society doesn’t typically believe women can be ‘capable of that type of terrible behaviour’.

“Society doesn't expect men to be victims of domestic abuse, because it expects men to be able to cope with abuse when it happens,” he said, adding that Richard’s story has ‘opened people's eyes to what happens to some men behind their front door’.

"We find a real lack of spidey sense in that friends, family and work colleagues can take a long time for them to realise that a friend or a family member is a victim of abuse, because they don't expect it to happen to men."

Richard revealed that 'degrading' behaviours from Sheree, such as throwing eggs around the kitchen and smashing them into his hair would be ‘much more demoralising than being pushed or, you know, being even hit in the face’.

"I would say that the physical abuse isn't the worst thing,” he said. “There's also the sort of emotional abuse, things that she would say that over time would erode away at my self-esteem."

He also highlighted how popular media had impacted his understanding of domestic abuse, adding that seeing a ‘lady physically hit another man’ in TV shows made him not ‘recognise’ the severity of what he was experiencing at the time.

"I don't understand why I never saw myself victim of domestic abuse. It was so etched in my mind that at this stereotypical idea of what domestic abuse was. It was a man against a woman,” he said.

It sounds ridiculous now, looking back and obviously I was a victim, but at the time, you know, I didn't see myself as a victim.”

My Wife, My Abuser: The Secret Footage screening now on Netflix and available to stream for free on My 5

If you are experiencing domestic violence, please know that you are not alone. ManKind offers confidential support for men experiencing domestic violence on 0808 800 1170 (Freephone - which will not show on your bills) or 01823 334 244. The helpline is open weekdays 10am to 4pm (excluding bank holidays). More information is available here.