Still Hurt About an Ex? Here Are 10 Signs You Need To Get Over Them

A year later and we’re still crying about the no-good ex? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to tighten up! We understand romantic relationships can be intense and we’re not here to shame. However, there comes a point where it’s time to move on with your life. Love is a universal experience desired by all. The word itself is one of the most commonly used in music. It ignites the most intimate, inexplicable feelings tethering lovers in their ethereal fantasies. Yet, it’s important to remember that everything has an expiration date and nobody belongs to us eternally.

Pop culture has popularized terms like “soul ties” and “twin flame” to disguise the modern dating pool’s attachment issues. Let me burst your bubble to bring you back to reality. There’s no way to know if everybody has a soulmate. The good news is that there are plenty of people to experience, and dating is a wonderful affair. For you to engage healthily in all sorts of love, let’s dive into 10 signs it’s time to get over the old beau for the new one!

Heartbroken couple / Credit: istock

1. Comparisons

President Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Everyone is different and enough as themselves. Avoid comparing traits, skills and experiences specific to the ex. It’s unfair to the other person because you’re not accepting them for who they are. This also lifts the ex on a pedestal the suitor didn’t even know they’re expected to reach for. Would you want to compete based on looks, cooking or performance? Didn’t think so. Approach new relationships with no expectations. This will allow the suitor to set their stage with expectations to which you can hold them accountable. It’s less disappointing if they don’t meet the potential you fantasized about.

2. Difficulty Trusting Others

Betrayal is heartbreaking and even traumatic. It takes courage, vulnerability, and discernment to trust in someone. When it’s broken, it leaves scars of self-esteem issues and hypervigilance. One may question their competence and fixate on the intentions of others. While this can be a difficult cycle to break, it’s entirely possible. First, understand that someone’s betrayal reflects their character instead of yours. There is nothing you could’ve done to prevent it. 

Secondly, realize that everyone is not trying to hurt you. The person who inflicted that pain doesn’t reflect those who want to love you. When a new suitor arrives in the lineup, let the heart become a blank slate. Use discernment to notice red flags, but believe their words and actions unless proven unreliable. People confuse having a guard up with formidable boundaries similar to the Great Wall of China. This only adds mental stress and dampens the dating experience. Balance being open-minded while recognizing warnings. Trust yourself and the ability to bounce back from mistakes.

3. Overreaction To Small Issues

Every action does not call for a reaction. If you catch yourself freaking out over minor issues, it’s important to address the triggers. It could be dishes in the sink reminiscent of the filthy ex that never cared to be clean. Or your partner laughing with the opposite sex infuriates you because the last couldn’t comprehend fidelity. Overreacting is a telltale sign you’ve not healed. Don’t ignore these small issues but counteract them with a conversation. Every failed relationship is an opportunity to learn rather than resent. If changed behavior doesn’t show, that’s your sign to look elsewhere. However, you must give new suitors a fighting chance. At the same time, be honest with yourself about insecurities and seek to grow beyond them.

Girlfriend begging partner / Credit: istock

4. Resentment and Bitterness

If the thought or mention of the ex boils your blood…you’re so bitter. Some of you have had terrible, outrageous and unfathomable partners – we get it! What is the point of resentment post-breakup though? “Well Stacey, they put me through hell.” Well, you are now set free. It drains you of emotional energy. That shows the ex still has emotional control even in their absence. They don’t deserve to hold such power over you. Come to terms with all that transpired in the relationship to move forward in the healing process. This is crucial for your well-being and the future love you may encounter.

5. Avoiding Commitment

Fear is typically the main perpetrator behind commitment issues. It varies from fear of abandonment, rejection or bad decisions. We’ve all heard someone say they’re not ready for a relationship or anything serious. When are you ever ready, though? We take leaps in starting new jobs, building new friendships or even trying a new recipe. Why not leap into the unknown with someone willing to do so with you? 

It’s not that people are incapable of committing because everyone is committed to several things. It’s the crippling fear of what may happen when you put yourself out there. There are things in life you can control; the inevitable not being one of them. Take pleasure in committing to a new suitor as easily as you do a new hobby or show. Don’t ponder on the possible negatives when the positives may outweigh them. New experiences are enlightening and blissful when you allow them to be.

Woman shredding couple’s picture / Credit: istock

6. Constantly Bringing Up the Ex

Baby, it’s time to quit yapping about that ex. There’s past and present, why are you trying to live in both? Naturally, conversations surrounding a former character in your life gradually cease. If you find a way to insert the ex in random conversations, you’re hung up on them. Unless you’re recalling a similar experience to connect with others, there’s no point. Quit bringing them up as they’re no longer a factor in your life. Do you think they’re blabbing about you? Doubt it. It’s especially not a good look when there’s a suitor present – talk about a major turn-off!

7. Lingering Emotional Triggers

Stop looking at the old pictures, playing the love songs you shared, and holding onto sentimental objects. You’ve been crying for 40 days and 40 nights, then have the nerve to ask why? Come on! It’s not easy detaching from a former love. But holding onto intimate memories that will trigger you delays progress. Avoid frequenting certain places you two shared for a while. Return the gifts or trinkets to eliminate constant reminders of what was. Stop playing sad love songs in the dark because you’re doing it to yourself at this point. Healing will happen gradually, but effort is necessary. Slowly separate from all that reminds you of the ex until reaching a place of indifference.

Social media surveillance / Credit: LinkedIn

8. Social Media Stalking

Have you no shame? This behavior screams loser! Everybody is a little nosy, and this author is no better. However, constantly checking on the ex only makes matters worse. Imagine it’s been three months and there’s a picture of them in a new relationship. Now you’re sliding down the wall crying like it’s a 90s R&B video. Don’t hurt yourself by keeping tabs on the ex because everyone’s healing appears different. You may expect them to post sad quotes, but they’re posting thirst traps for the next suitor. Mind your business! Focus on eliminating the thought of them in every capacity until you’ve moved on. 

9. Unresolved Self-Blame

Let’s remember that it takes two to tango. A failed relationship reflects mutual incompatibility. One cannot blame oneself entirely for a relationship between two people. Reflect on the role that you played and learn from it. When fresh attraction appears, don’t fear new blessings from past sins. Every relationship is unique. If the fear is that you will commit the same wrongdoings, resolve them immediately. Commit to personal growth to allow new relationships to flourish. Open the line of communication with your partner to hold each other accountable.

10. Difficulty Being Alone

Let’s call “soul ties” what they are: attachment issues. There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. It’d be a great step to look into where you may land to begin the healing process. It’s unhealthy to be codependent as it affects autonomy. This may appear as rebound relationships, consistent casual sex or serial dating. Don’t use others as a distraction due to it being unfair to them and futile to your healing. Sit in your emotions post-breakup until you’ve come to terms with reality. Doing so will allow you to engage with a new suitor from genuine desire, not distraction.

To love again symbolizes strength and courage. Why? Because pain is inevitable when loving someone. It comes from the reality that this will one day end. Hopefully, the finale will be a beautiful one. But don’t be afraid to start a new chapter with a new lover. Who knows what awaits?