A sex therapist has revealed the seven tips to help men get back into bedroom action as blokes 'go off' bonking.
If you've noticed that your significant male other is not up for a romp recently, then you're not alone. Dr Stephen Snyder is a pro when it comes to helping couples getting back on track - he's aided more than 3,000 as it happens.
Over the last 30 years of treating peoples sexual struggles, the doctor has noticed a "seismic shift" that has seen the women and men switch positions in the bedroom.
And that's not an innuendo. It turns out the "pressing issue" of the 20th century of women evading having sex with their partners is longer as the tables have turned, according to Dr Synder in a report for Daily Mail.
Men's libidos are lower than before and the sex therapist says he's been noticing a trend where women are calling to complain that their long-term partners are more like 'roommates'.
In his new book, Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Great Sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship, Dr Snyder outlined seven tips to help get a man back in the action in the bedroom...
You remind him of his mum
No, it's not because you wear your fluffiest dressing gown or slippers and have 'granny knickers' in your drawer. The sex therapist noted that men and women mature emotionally at different rates and to different levels.
Apparently, boys start to push their mothers away at the age of three such as not wanting to be seen being kissed by their parent in front of friends. Dr Snyder says that they are "psychologically disidentifying' with their mothers.
He says that this puts men at an early disadvantage as women and mothers share a strong bond from an early age. The therapist says the next time they'll experience these "intense" emotions will be with an intimate partner - which starts off well but will begin to falter.
Dr Snyder explained: "After all, men are simple creatures, and we love it when a woman smiles at us. A wife or partner in a state of happiness is a universal green light for a man to proceed sexually.
"The problems come for men the first time they see their partner unhappy. A man dreads seeing a woman looking disappointed with him. Unconsciously, it reminds him of when his mother was unhappy with him, and how helpless that made him feel. In the presence of a disappointed female partner, men sense danger.
"They tend to check out emotionally, or silently withdraw, just like when they were three years old."
Stop the no-sex cycle immediately
The sex therapist believes that you should stop the 'no-sex cycle' as quickly as possible to stop is dragging on and wasting your emotions on the matter.
He says that if you continue to get emotional about his unwillingness to participate in hanky panky then he will further withdraw. Although it's of course ok to feel emotional about this, try to be as pragmatic as possible so he doesn't see you as a 'reincarnation' of his mother.
Dr Snyder shared: "Early on in a relationship, I advise women to sit their male partner down and say: 'Look, there are going to be times when you'll see me upset and disappointed. When that happens, you don't have to panic. Trust me, it's going to be OK. We women deal with this kind of stuff all the time. Just don't run away emotionally, because that will make me really cross.'
"Feel free to repeat this formula as often as necessary, until he really gets it."
You have more capacity to be a lover
Dr Snyder says that men have a more limited and selective attention span, whereas women are more active and aware. Despite men being more 'active' in the beginning to fill a perceived 'societal role', it's women who end up being the with more capacity for 'pleasure'.
The next step to getting your sex-life started again is to understand this. The sex therapist said: "Few women understand their male partner's lack of interest in sensual pleasure, variety and beauty. Our primary function has always been to defend the tribe against attack.
"If you're designing someone for that role, you don't want him to be so thoughtful and perceptive that he'd hesitate to throw himself in harm's way.
"Unfortunately, the cultural script says the man is supposed to be the active partner - the one who brings excitement and variety to sex."
Be enjoyed like a croissant
Consuming bakery items is always a pleasure, so in this tip the sex therapist says that you should embrace your inner croissant. This doesn't mean that you need to raid the bakery aisle before you hit things off in the bedroom, though that may help.
The sex therapist points out that women and men have differing expectations. Instead of men getting worked up about how to nail pleasure, you should just let them enjoy you - and you should enjoy them.
Basically, get out of your own heads and be in the moment. Dr Snyder noted: "Men are constantly told we should concentrate on giving women pleasure. But, ironically, that often results in boring, passionless sex.
"No hero in a romantic novel ever rips off the heroine's clothes, then says: 'Now tell me how you like to be touched.' Instead, he just consumes her like a croissant.
"Meanwhile, women are always told that a good sexual relationship takes work. As a man, I have no idea what that means. Passion is selfish.
"Ideally, he should feel 'selfishly connected' to you - which frees you to enjoy feeling selfishly connected to him."
Get excited
This point is about not being afraid of arousal. The sex therapists notes that many couples equate arousal - for both men and women - must mean they want sex.
However, this is not always the case. Dr Snyder believes that couples will do nothing that could excite their partner as they feel as if they then have to give them an orgasm. Although, doing this will completely eradicate connection and intimacy all-together.
Instead, try 'simmering'.
"Simmering is what young couples or people in new relationships do all the time," Dr Snyder explained. "They hold each other, kiss, stroke each other's hair and enjoy each other's scent.
You remember the feeling, right? There is no reason long-term committed couples can't enjoy the same kind of thing. Try it before leaving for work in the morning or at the end of the day before falling asleep together.
"Stop keeping your distance because you think it'll mean he'll want full sex. It won't! Simmering helps ensure your relationship's erotic climate stays warm. The payoff in good sex later down the line can be substantial."
Orgasm is pudding
Slow and steady wins the race. The sex therapist says that many couples face the issue of thinking about themselves and what they are going to get out of sex with the ultimate goal of an orgasm.
Although, Dr Snyder urges that you treat an orgasm like pudding - you need to think about the other courses beforehand.
He said: "Men and women alike tend to just focus on getting to orgasm. For women, that might be because you know in advance the sex isn't going to be very good, so you focus on at least getting something out of it.
"For him, most often it's that in his limited male way he's forgotten there ever was any other reason to have sex.
"I tell my couples that experiencing an orgasm should be like a delicious dessert. It's a fine way to end the meal, but who sits down to a three course dinner only thinking about pudding?"
Don't put sex in the diary
"Forget what you've read about putting sex in the diary," Dr Snyder says.
"I understand the logic - we're all busy people - but the trouble with scheduling sex is that when the appointed hour arrives it's entirely possible neither of you will be much in the mood.
"Desire doesn't work like that. It's not like dinner where, if you haven't eaten by 7pm, you'll definitely be starving."
According to the sex therapist, you should schedule some time in for the bedroom without doing anything. Well, other than getting undressed, get under the covers and breathe deeply.
Then you should practice mindfulness, meaning take note of your surroundings, your heartbeat and the temperature. Once you're in the moment, then things should get steamy.
If not, the sex therapist says he uses a technique with couples dubbed 'mindful eating' where he instructs a man to take a piece of fruit and spend time examining it. After that, he should enjoy is slowly - and experience pleasure. This should then be put into practice in the bedroom.
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English (US) ·