Trans Woman Won't Attend Wedding if Asked to 'Present Male'

A 35-year-old trans woman revealed on Reddit that she is conflicted about going to her brother's upcoming wedding, and will not attend if she is asked to present as male.

"Five years ago, I came out as a transgender woman a few months before [my other brother] Dan married his wife," she began, adding she felt "grief" having to present as male at the wedding.

"I had only been on hormones for a few months before the wedding, so I bit the bullet and sucked it up by wearing a suit and being a groomsman, but it caused me a lot of internal grief which I coped with using copious amounts of liquor. Since then I have been in therapy, gotten sober, and been living more openly as a woman and my family knows this," she shared.

Now, her younger brother is getting married and she suspects her family might ask her to present as male for the wedding, which she doesn't want to do.

"My youngest brother, Lance, is getting married to his fiancée in January and I’m expecting for them to request me to be in the wedding in some fashion and knowing my parents’ views on tradition and their need for approval from the community, they are going to ask me to present male at Lance‘s wedding too. Of my entire family, Lance has been the most accepting of my transition and treats me no differently than he does anyone else, however, I’m worried that he is going to allow himself to be swayed by my parents and Dan," she explained.

The woman added she has tried to accommodate her family's wishes over the years but feels it "unfair" to continue changing who she is for them.

"Over the years when it comes to family functions, I have accommodated my parents’ wishes, and either dressed more androgynously or simply not attended to keep the peace at the detriment of my own mental health. But after five years, I feel this is an unfair ask and don’t wish to have more photographic reminders of unhappy moments pretending to be someone I’m not to please others," she concluded.

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Users in the comments section offered their advice to the woman.

"Don't wait for him to decide. Express your feelings to him now," one user wrote.

"I would talk to Dan. Since it is his wedding you need to try to not make it about you and your relationship with your parents but also communicate what you cannot do, like present as male. Explain that you want to support him as he has you but you also don’t want this to snowball to you feeling pressured past your comfort level. Perhaps that means a small or no role in the wedding, to keep the peace. It’s sad but honestly your sense of self and mental health is more important than some role in a wedding," another advised.

"Especially if he is the more accepting one in the family as that thought might not have crossed his mind, but go in more with the idea that you don't want your parents putting limitations on you. And that you think they will pressure him. Go in with the idea of preserving your mental health. And give him the option of just not inviting you if that is his plan, not out of spite or anything but you will not degrade your mental health further by pretending to be something you are not," someone else commented.