Seth Meyers, on Monday — the eve of the 2024 election — issued a breathless reminder of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s wildest moments from the last few years.
The “Late Night” host acknowledged that Democratic nominee Kamala Harris may not be the “perfect” candidate. But his blistering four-minute monologue drew a stark contrast between the vice president and her twice-impeached rival.
Meyers began by reminding viewers how Trump “fomented a violent coup attempt after a months-long campaign to overturn the 2020 election, undercut the nation’s response to a deadly pandemic that spiraled out of control because he tried to cover it up, lied about its severity, promoted sham treatments for it, said we could cure it by injecting disinfectant and shining powerful lights inside the body, became the first president since Herbert Hoover to oversee a net job loss.”
The rest of the monologue went:
“Couldn’t figure out how to close an umbrella, cosplayed as a sanitation worker, even though he almost fell while getting into the truck and pretended to work at McDonald’s, even though he couldn’t remember what the fryer was called.
Laughed about firing striking workers with the richest man alive, bragged about refusing to pay overtime and said I don’t want a poor person running the economy. Oversaw an increase in corporate profits while manufacturing jobs declined, presided over an unprecedented spike in crime while home prices rose by 30%, the national debt rose by $8 trillion and the number of Americans without health insurance rose by 3 million.
Tried to rip healthcare away from over 20 million Americans, but reassured everyone by saying he had concepts of a plan, told a story about the size of a dead golfer’s penis, regaled Boy Scouts with stories of sexy yacht parties, humped the American flag not once but multiple times, told women he would protect them whether they liked it or not, and would put a man who was investigated for cutting the head off a whale with a chainsaw in charge of vaccines and women’s health, insulted service members, feuded with Gold Star families and violated federal law by staging a campaign event at a hallowed military cemetery.
Doctored a weather map with a Sharpie to lie about the path of a hurricane, threw paper towels at hurricane victims, hosted a speaker at a rally who called Puerto Rico a ‘floating island of garbage,’ claimed windmills, cause cancer and kill whales, said you have to flush toilets 15 times.
Called Hannibal Lecter a lovely man, his national security adviser called him a ‘dope,’ his secretary of state called him a ‘moron,’ his chief of staff called him an ‘idiot’ and a ‘fascist’ who said nice things about Hitler and Hitler’s generals.
He suggested shooting protesters in the legs to his secretary of defense. He reportedly suggested executing rivals and staffers for leaking information. The former chairman of the joint chiefs of staff called him a ‘fascist to the core.’
He took millions from foreign officials, including a possible $10 million bribe from Egypt. His lawyers gave a press conference at a landscaping company. He lost the popular vote twice, got impeached twice, got indicted four times and was found guilty of 34 felony counts, falsifying business records to pay hush money to a porn star.
He asked a crowd whether they’d rather be electrocuted or eaten by a shark, he possibly farted and definitely fell asleep in court. Bragged about overturning Roe v. Wade, called himself the ‘father of IVF’ while admitting he didn’t know what IVF was, called the CEO of Apple Tim Apple, misspelled his wife’s name and his own name, said Nikki Haley was the speaker of the House on Jan. 6.
Claimed the price of bacon goes up because the wind doesn’t blow. Got on Air Force One with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, became the first president in history to stare directly at an eclipse, melted down in a presidential debate where he claimed migrants were eating dogs, spread lies about the federal government’s response to a hurricane that caused FEMA workers to relocate due to threats.
Dances like he’s punching a ghost, held a hate-filled rally at Madison Square Garden, stole classified documents, obstructed attempts to get them back, called climate change a hoax, proposed tariffs that economists say would increase prices and crater the economy, halted an equal pay rule for women, curtailed access to birth control, picked a running mate who mocked ‘childless cat ladies,’ creeped out everyone when he tried to order donuts and was accused of having sex with a couch, which he did not do even though he might have. But he didn’t, but maybe he did. But he definitely did not.
Said Kamala Harris happened to ‘turn Black,’ claim his crowd on Jan. 6 was bigger than Martin Luther King’s ‘Have a Dream’ speech, was banned from doing business in the state of New York for three years, just recently posed for the single worst photo of any human being that has ever been taken on the face of the fucking planet.”
Afterward, Meyers joked about the race between Harris and Trump being “a toss-up.”
“I’ve been talking about this man for nearly a decade now, as evidenced by the fact that everything I just listed is in my brain still somehow,” he concluded. “The symptoms that gave rise to him will not immediately go away if he loses tomorrow, but we do have an opportunity to say as a nation that we want him to go away. And I really hope that happens, mainly so I never have to think about this ever again.”
Watch from the 14-minute mark here:
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English (US) ·