A woman's decision to end her six-month relationship after her partner came out as transgender has sparked discussion online.
In a viral Reddit post, 23-year-old woman shared that her partner, a 22-year-old trans woman, came out during their relationship. The original poster (OP), who identifies as straight, broke up with her partner, citing her lack of attraction to women. Since the post was published, it has received over 9,000 upvotes and nearly 5,000 comments.
Newsweek spoke to psychotherapist Renee Zavislak about the break-up—which wasn't completely amicable.
"My ex got extremely mad and said we are too far into the relationship to break up and she wanted to continue dating," the OP, u/GuiltyProgrammer4252, wrote in the post. "I'm just not attracted to her anymore."
Zavislak, a psychotherapist and trauma specialist, spoke to Newsweek about the importance of first distinguishing between biological sex, gender identity, gender presentation and sexual orientation in such discussions.
She explained that sexual attraction is a foundational element of romantic relationships and that it's natural for someone to reevaluate their relationship when a partner's gender identity shifts.
"If OP is heterosexual, she is not attracted to women; now that her ex is a woman, it is understandable that she is no longer attracted to her," she said. "OP should not be vilified for honoring her sexual orientation, nor is it wrong to end a romantic relationship when she no longer experiences sexual attraction to her partner."
However, Zavislak also pointed out the need for compassion during such transitions.
"There does seem to be a general lack of compassion in the tone of OP's post," she added. "Ideally, she would be able to offer support to her ex-partner, who is navigating an incredibly challenging transition that is now intensified by a break-up."
A Complex Transition
The Reddit post highlights the challenges transgender people face when coming out, particularly in relationships. Zavislak noted that many trans people lose friends, family and partners during their transition and noted the importance of offering emotional support even when ending a romantic relationship.
"It may have been more supportive for OP to say something like, 'I support you in discovering who you really are. I can't continue our romantic relationship because I am not attracted to women, but I love you as I have for the last six months. Tell me how I can support you as we find a way to move from lovers to friends,'" Zavislak said.
Her advice comes with a grain of salt, though: If the OP is unwilling to offer support or experiencing transphobic feelings in response to her ex's news, she should look inward.
"She should...take this as an opportunity to examine her own biases so that both she and her ex can exit this relationship in a growth mindset," Zavislak said. "Which is always the best-case scenario for a breakup, regardless of gender and sexual orientation."
What Did the Comments Say?
The majority of responses online supported the OP's decision to end the relationship, validating that sexual orientation and attraction are valid factors in deciding who to pursue a relationship with.
Put simply, one highly upvoted comment on the post read: "You also get to be who you are and like who you like."
Others, including a trans woman, added to this user's perspective.
"As a straight trans woman, yeah. If I had a boyfriend and he came out as a trans woman, I'd be very happy for her, but I'd also probably want to break up, since I'm not attracted to women," she wrote. "You're fine."
The comments reflected a shared sentiment that honoring one's sexual orientation is an essential part of maintaining healthy relationships.
Newsweek reached out to u/GuiltyProgrammer4252 for comment via Reddit.
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